This is even better than The Klingons vs. The Furries. Someone’s goin’ down! Which side will YOU choose?

Greg Gutfeld, widely hailed as FOX’s answer to Jon Stewart (this is their second stalwart attempt since embarrassing themselves with the Half-Hour News Hour), takes a jab at Suicide Girls and peripheral cultures in a rant entitled “Be a Rebel with a Cause“:

I know who these girls are — they’re annoying, Goth-punk chicks who champion uniqueness through tattoos, piercing and bisexual posturing. I imagine they also self-mutilate, since that’s pretty deep too… They should be pushed into rivers. This non-conformity is purely conformist. All these rebels look and act the same — spouting relativistic nonsense through silver tongue studs. Why do they proclaim their individuality, but look identical? It’s because they’re fake.

Mr. Gutfeld, you have stabbed me and rest of the alternative world right in the heart, deeper than our Bic razors ever went. I’ve never thought of it this way before! Perhaps only the most wise and introspective amongst us have contemplated our collective existence with such cold-eyed realism.

Who in our scene is strong enough to fully grasp Mr. Gutfeld’s insight? I know only of the great sage mercifulXicution of VampireFreaks, who offers some hope for our kind with her ruminations: “I really really hate fake people….so if you are not yourself (Are a fake bisexual person, have fake tats and piercings) please just fucking LEAVE now.” Such similarity in discourse from such different camps. Perhaps, with such intellectual leaders as these, there is hope for friendship between our people.

The rest of the article is amusing and reads like a gentle version of Vice’s DOs and DON’Ts, lamenting the prevalence of “50-year-old women getting dolphin tattoos on their ankles and fat old men wearing board shorts and wallet chains.” The conclusion reminds you that you’re on foxnews.com again:

Real rebels are people who work hard. Love their parents. And fight for their beliefs, preferably in the military. Those folks are far cooler than self-harming skanks.

Oh, Fox News, Suicide Girls, can’t we all just get along? No? I think I have a compromise that will appeal to both parties:

Image ganked from Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Posted by Nadya Lev on September 26th, 2007
Filed under Goth, Silly-looking types, Testing your faith, We disapprove