READERSHIP ADVISORY: The following post contains very subjective opinion, frivolity, and the shameless sexual objectification of highly respectable people. In other words, we are about to go totally alt-Cosmo on your ass. You have been warned.
There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion. – Sir Francis Bacon
Preternatural means out of the ordinary course of nature; exceptional or abnormal. That which appears outside or beyond the natural. Extremity – an ordinary phenomenon taken beyond the natural.
10 Klaus Kinski
Bug-eyed, white-haired, rubbery-lipped Klaus Kinski was by all accounts (especially his own) an insatiable fuck machine. Open his infamously filthy memoirs to any random page and gasp at the depravity. He also happened to be gibbering batshit insane. It has been observed that sociopaths are often very charismatic. Certainly, when Kinski wasn’t foaming at the mouth, he could charm the knickers off any lady in the room. Fans of exploitation cinema adore him as the punishing playboy in Jess Franco’s masterpiece, Venus In Furs. His tumultuous partnership with filmmaker Werner Herzog yielded two of the most compelling antiheroes of all time: Aguirre and Nosferatu. Indeed, even in the most paltry cameo roles, Kinski oozed a certain fetid yet undeniable charm.
9 Miles Davis
This is the face of a sorcerer or a fallen angel. Miles Davis was of course, first and foremost, one of most influential iconoclasts of 20th century music, a ferocious talent who “didn’t take no shit off nobody” and always played his chosen tormented Dark Magus role to the hilt. That baleful stare and gorgeous bone structure lent Davis a painfully beautiful, otherworldly quality that only deepened with age. From Kind of Blue LP liner photos to Anton Corbijn’s famous portraits taken decades later, the eyes have it.
8 Adrien Brody
It isn’t often that we come across a look so naturally stylized. Adrien Brody’s elongated gaunt features look as if they’ve been rendered by the hand of Modigliani. Despite a multitude of serious on-screen roles and a spectrum of strong performances, he’s often pictured in photo spreads as as a saccharine 90210-worthy sleaze, which may or may not be a fair representation. No matter! We prefer to think of Adrien Brody as a deep-eyed, crane-necked mammal with a nose that’s capable of launching a thousand panties into space. He’s a unique combination of exaggerated equine attributes which must not be ignored, no.
7 Tim Curry
Sweet transvestite era Tim Curry is the beastly, handsome cad we all love to love. Mer chiming in here individually to say that she too had a code growing up that helped her suss out her soul sistahs in a quick and painless manner, having discerned that there is a certain ultra specific type of girl (or girly boy) who, having viewed Legend at that special, vulnerable time in their development, cites Darkness as the first giant-sized-man-thing who made them feel kinda funny…where their bathing suit covers. Zo, being a filthy Russki, didn’t have the fortune of watching this film until her twenties. It made her feel very funny and still rather does.
6 Crispin Glover
It could be said that Crispin Glover has taken great care to create his villainous persona. It certainly doesn’t take too much of an imagination’s stretch to perceive him as such. Between his theatric readings from Dada-ish collage books he created and his emotionally scarring directorial debut, he’s earned his notoriety fair and square. Glover’s deep-set perplexed eyes and meandering nose are often accentuated with a vintage-inspired hairstyle, voice creeping from thin lips above a jaw that expertly juts out of suits reminiscent of his movie roles. These vicious features, bizarre creative repertoire and outlandish public behavior have polished Crispin Glover into a quintessential madman we can’t help but, reluctantly, love.
5 Christopher Walken
Christopher Walken was a fey, stunning beauty in his youth. Who knew?! Nowadays, he’s less androgynous Puck and more a reptilian, glittering-eyed old uncle who should probably not be left unsupervised with small children, but we here at Coilhouse proudly proclaim, creepy is the new sexy. And who’s not a sucker for a funny, sharp-dressed man who can dance? Could there possibly be some among us, perhaps with a fever for cow bell, who might not protest if Uncle Chris were to touch them inappropriately?
4 Willem Dafoe
Willem Dafoe is freakishly hot. It’s the allure of his sinuous voice as much as those high cheekbones, craggy brow, and wide, upturned mouth. Whether he’s being figuratively martyred in ‘Nam or literally on the cross as he daydreams of bedding Mary Magdalene, insinuating bi-curious traits to John Lurie while ice fishing, or (at the risk of repeating ourselves) channeling a naked mole rat for his toothsome take on Nosferatu, we just can’t bring ourselves to look away.
3 Nick Cave
Top image © Blast Products™. Taken at Glasgow’s Nightmoves on the Birthday Party’s farewell tour c.1982.
“NIIIICK THE STRIIIIIIIIIPPER.” This man could set a stage ablaze. Nick Cave’s feral eyes, unkempt hair and hyena screams make him the epitome of rabid charm. To this day, the spindly white boy from Australia channels James Brown with his moves like nobody’s business, howling with the conviction of a deranged sin hound. Despite bearing a slight resemblance to Neil Diamond recently, there’s absolutely no reason for Cave to be singing the “No Pussy Blues.” Sorry, mate. We just don’t buy it.
2 Jonathan Rhys Meyers
The cheeks, the lips, the unnaturally blue eyes – Jonathan Rhys Meyers was almost too pretty to make the list. But there is something strange in the combination of pronounced features on his narrow face, something cold and removed in his expression, something that makes him, without question, an otherworldly reptile. His role on Gormenghast as the self-serving cruel Steerpike, earned Jonathan’s character this fitting description: “His body gave the appearance of being malformed but it would be difficult to say exactly what gave it this gibbous quality. Limb by limb, it appeared that he was sound enough, but the sum of these several members accrued to an unexpectedly twisted total. ”
1 David Bowie
He almost couldn’t have #1 because it’s just too easy, but we had no choice. David Bowie simply is inhuman. And inhumanly hot. Over several decades of stardom, he’s ripened into complete perfection. Between his masterfully crafted alien image, the beak, the mismatched eyes, the feline smile he is The Ultimate Preternatural Hotness.
Honorable Mention: Jeff Goldblum (who would have made the list were we not still rinsing our eyes out with bleach after stumbling across this unfortunate image). Buster Keaton, Yamataka Eye, and Klaus Nomi (who will all no doubt receive more in depth and reverential treatment at some later date). Aforementioned Perry Farrell and Kit Stølen (fear of nepotism).