Just an Excuse to Post My Favorite Pulp Novel Cover

Lesbian Starlet
“I paid for a lap dance, not a desk dance.” Caption/image via Pop Sensation.

Faux lesbianism – yet another value that this great country has lost. Just look at Katie Perry’s disgrace of a music video, “I Kissed a Girl.” As heyguysitsthebible points out, “Katy Perry is no fake lesbian. She’s fake questioning. She’s fake experimenting. And that’s not good enough.” Indeed. The author proceeds to dolefully recount the good old days, back when this country still had some backbone, in which bands like t.A.T.u had to actually make out with each other to prove that they were indeed true fake lesbians. The depths to which this nation has sunk! Not only does Katy Perry fail to lock lips with a single female in her music video, but to add insult to injury, in the end she actually wakes up next to her boyfriend, realizing that her super-safe, bowdlerized lesbian fantasy (or was it a fantasy about being in an ad for Claire’s Accessories?) was just a dream. Damn it, we are better than these last eight years.

Jill Sobule, whose catchier, wittier “I Kissed a Girl” video became a controversial hit in the pre-Ellen mid-90s (to be fair, her video doesn’t have a kiss in it either, though it does have Fabio in uniform, which somehow makes it extra-gay), isn’t bothered: “I don’t feel precious about the title, but I’ve gotten tons of e-mails from annoyed fans,” she recently told EW.com. “Maybe I’ll write a third ‘I Kissed a Girl’ for fun… it will be about how I kissed her, left the dull boyfriend, got gay-married in California, and really no one gave a shit.”

Meanwhile, real lesbians continue to make music! Uh Huh Her just released a new music video. The luscious Leisha Hailey looks oddly like Cylon Six in it, but the real star is still the hipster unicorn.

17 Responses to “Just an Excuse to Post My Favorite Pulp Novel Cover”

  1. Tequila Says:

    I’m gonna sit back and smile that Uh Huh Her got a mention in all this. Yes the Katy Perry song was pretty awful no matter how one cuts it. In the days of fake lesbians doing so much in Girls Gone Wild commercials you’d think a song about kissing a girl…actually had a kiss. Quite sad but perfect for the current mainstream…whoever they are exactly cause I’m lost. It use to be the MTV crowd but that’s now a reality network…plus even Disney pimps out their starlets these days.

    So who exactly was that video suppose to appeal to?

    I would like to thank all the REAL lesbians keeping up the fight! Your effort is greatly appreciated. Seriously. It’s awesome.

    Minor note: Some of the fake Lesbians on the L-Word have to get a pass though…I mean they put in REALLY convincing effort.

    I’ve a sudden mood to watch Claire of the Moon now…

  2. Zoetica Says:

    On an unrelated note, I have to take this opportunity to express my loathing of product placement in songs. Maybe Katy is not in business with ChapStick, but she certainly sings its name like she is! Honestly, is there anything less poetic than attempting to bellow out “Cherry Chap Stick”? Rrr.

  3. Nadya Says:

    Really? That’s my favorite line in the whole song. “The taste of her cherry chapstick.” I think it contributes to the non-committal, teenage vibe. Like chapstick doesn’t even leave a mark – it was nothing.

    From now on, my code name for fake lipstick lesbians is: “chapstick lesbians.”

  4. Zoetica Says:

    YA, RLY. It could have just as easily been “cherry lip gloss” or something. Brand names in song lyrics are always just jarring for me. ChapStick is a registered brand name that’s become ubiquitous with lip balm, but a brand name it remains. Eeeeviiil.

  5. gooby Says:

    Weren’t t.A.T.u Robosexuals as well? I think that Robot song was a guilty dance pleasure in our house for a good year.

    I never thought of “Fake Lesbian” as a genre until now, brilliant! My brain just became that much more organized!

    The first time I saw the Katy Perry video I was stunned wondering who was supposed to be playing the dumbass in this? We the audience? Her? The producers?

    Then I remembered back in 1990 when that Seal “Crazy” song was out, and having a friend of mine turn to me in all sincerity saying, “You know, he’s right! Cuz like, how ARE we gonna survive? Unless we get a little… crazy! Ya know?”

    And my eyes glazed over and my jaw dropped realizing that people DO actually go for this bullshit, and they sing it and they recite it and they find it groundbreaking and shocking (or genuinely naughty in the Perry case), and I felt very alien for not…

    As for pulp covers, I love how those old lesbian pulp novels were always grouped in with Reefer Madness style drug pulp, however my personal favorite genre for pulp covers will always be “Horny Astronaut”.

  6. gooby Says:

    Nah, Chapstick is up there with Kleenex, Q-tips and Jello for me.

    They have transcended brands and have just become nouns. I tried to start saying cotton swab and flavored gelatin, really! But then it always came out Q-tip and jello. I give up.

  7. Zoetica Says:

    I do it, too! Saying “BandAid” to a hotel concierge in England caused a lot of embarrassment once, actually. But when it comes to music there is something terribly awkward about these types of references that makes me stop listening and go “grarr”.

  8. gooby Says:

    Bandaid! Totally! I am such a tool.

    Well, language faux paus in England can be fun (fanny pack, etc), you’re lucky bandaid didn’t mean something naughty like “drunken hobo prostitute”, they don’t reverse those charges.

  9. Nadya Says:

    One time I was getting this hotel breakfast in France and I asked them for some “préservatif,” and I was asking for some jam for my toast, and they thought I was asking for condoms. FAIL!

    @ gooby: HAAAAH! And yes, I love Robot. They used to play it at the industrial night in Philly. Memories!

    @ Tequila: I *love* Uh Huh Her. This new song is actually not my favorite. I like “Say So” and “Explode.” So catchy!

  10. Winominx Says:

    HAHA, Nadya, same difference.

    Vomit. I’m in high school and that song was a big deal for about a week (as all things in high school are) and I was wondering, “Is this the DIRTIEST thing they’ve ever heard? How could this be in any way different to them?” I mean, I listen to stuff like Peaches and her stuff’s a whole lot worse than “I Kissed A Girl.” I’ve seen her perform that song and it’s little more than a few bops and cringe-worthy dancing…so bad.

    P.S. I’ll admit that I love old, lesbian, teen t.a.t.u.

  11. Nadya Says:

    @ Winominx: Man, I would *love* to see Peaches cover this, parody it, collaborate with Katy Perry, or do something else similarly sinister. Anything that she touches turns to gold!

  12. Hey Guys, It’s The Bible! Says:

    […] to Coilhouse for the link.  Keep on spreadin’ the gospel of not allowing subpar fake lesbianism to run […]

  13. BlueAnchorNatasha Says:

    I never bothered to listen to the song, but now after seeing the music video even, I understand why my mum went on an hour long phone rant to a friend about it. Mildred, Im sure you can imagine that conversation, after sitting through hours of the Wee-Natasha Chronicles. O_O
    On another note, it really irks me when people do things merely for the publicity and attention. If youre gonna pretend something like this, you might as well just up the ante and go through with it.
    And Winominx, I think there are a few of us who will have to admit to liking t.A.T.u.’s music. ‘Нас не догонят’ actually has a meaning for my sister and I, in a toootally non-lesbian/incestual way..
    The second video is actually kind of cute, in that slightly kitschy, completely 90’s kind of way.

  14. Jerem Morrow Says:

    Loathe the song, and moreso, the vid. Blech. Non-commital CHAP-STICK LESBIANS! Hahahahahaha.

  15. Winominx Says:

    @Nadya: You have no idea how much I’ve thought about that. Her, Feist, and all her other buddies could remake that song into something truly sexy/brilliant/filthy.

    “On another note, it really irks me when people do things merely for the publicity and attention. If youre gonna pretend something like this, you might as well just up the ante and go through with it.”

    Woah woah woah there, partner! This is the mainstream you’re talking about. These are rappers who have big bills and rent the houses they feature on Cribs.

    Sadly, as much I loathe her, I wish we had a new Madonna, a TRUE Madonna, one who would actually DO these crazy things (and I know it’s all for attention, but something about it was so…Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Old Hollywood, to me, and I adore that stuff. Intentional scandal over sexuality never happens anymore, unless you want to see some washed-up celeb’s ass in a sex tape.)

  16. Tequila Says:

    @ Nadya… Good to find another fan. They play November 14th @ The Avalon. Can’t wait!

  17. Io Says:

    And people wonder why I have a hard time calling myself “bisexual.” It seems that if I identify that way, there’s this God-awful implication that I’m faking it, only a little attracted to women, or that I just have sex with them for benefit of my husband (who has never been interested or involved in my affairs). People have such a hard time imagining that I have meaningful, romantic relationships with these women.

    As my current paramour says, “You’re queer, just leave it at that.”