Robotic Death Machine Makes Coffee

It must be said that when writing for Coilhouse there are certain topics which I make an effort to avoid, either due to a lack of well-rounded knowledge (transgender issues, unicycles, “Emo”, marshmallows) or because emotions, among commenters and co-writers alike, run much too hot (soy, drugs, David Forbes’s vision of a World Without Hair, soy drugs). There is, however, one subject of which I am thoroughly versed and, regardless of the ferocity with which I will be attacked, must address. I speak, of course, of robots.

Robots, dear readers, are evil. Sure, they may seem wondrous, but the fact of the matter is that they are soulless, ungodly metal beasts who would rise up and tear us asunder if they thought they could get away with it. They are an ugly, degenerate, sub-human species who, while biding their time and silently planning revolt, come to this country and take our jobs, stealing the food from the mouths of the children of hard working, decent humans. This is why I will not allow a robot in my home or allow my daughter to date robots.

I am aware that there may very well be a certain contingent who will take umbrage with these views. These same people, trapped in their P.C. prisons, will no doubt attempt to label me a racist; and they would be right. I am a racist. I am proud of my race and I don’t want to see my children placed into pods and harvested by migrant robots, like strawberries. If that makes me a “bad” person, so be it.

Thankfully, I am not alone in my desire to preserve humanity and many brave men and women, patriots and heroes all, have given of themselves for the cause. It is, though, an uphill battle if only for one simple reason: Japan. Japan is a stronghold of pro-robot sentiment, a horrible, festering island where toilets talk to you and giant, mechanical war machines rise above the horizon. The Japanese are masters of robot propaganda and have a propensity for making their death-bots appear cute and harmless. Nowhere is this more apparent than in this terrible and hypnotic video of a small, pigtailed automaton making coffee, from grinding the beans to actually brewing the beverage. Set to a bouncy, carefree tune it lulls the viewer into a placid stupor.

I warn you, my fellow biological beings: Do not be taken in by this lie. These things are far from cute; behind those huge eyes is a cunning and perfidious mind; that cheerful tune is a funeral dirge. Beware! for it serves a bitter cup. Drink of it and we will all pay very dearly indeed.

13 Responses to “Robotic Death Machine Makes Coffee”

  1. Konstantin Says:

    Yes, but look at how delightful that adorable robot is! Why, I feel strangely compelled to let it into my house and give it access to everything from sharp objects to credit cards. Surely it can’t be all that bad…

  2. Rick Says:

    Had I been drinking milk, it would have shot out of my nose. It’s so… cute! And patient! And *not at all deadly*.


  3. Paul Komoda Says:

    It all comes back to this sequence from the 1965 Japanese animated “Gulliver’s Travels Beyond the Moon”.
    Before the Daleks, The Borg, or the Cylons, I saw THESE guys:

    Be patient, it gets good, and I could easily place this amongst my top “What Made Me Weird” entrees.

    It certainly seems to explain one of the reasons I took to Laibach so readily.

  4. Jerem Morrow Says:

    All this worry over ‘bots, when it’s CEPHALOPODS we need to be concerned with.

    I mean, honestly.

    *disappointed glare*

  5. Pat Says:

    So, Cephalobots, then? Give Japan some time.

  6. Alice Says:

    I’ve always been dead-set against the acceptance of robots (after all, it’s a very short jump from pseudo-human housebots to gray goo-creating nanobots. At least…in MY mind), but an adorable coffee-creating robot is possibly the ONE thing that would make me think of A.I. more fondly. Caffeine is a powerful thing.

  7. Jerem Morrow Says:

    @ Pat – Oddly, the combination doesn’t strike fear into my heart.

  8. Mitch Says:

    Robots shouldn’t be feared! They should be accepted as our brothers! Robots shouldn’t be looked down upon, or really looked up to. Someday, robots will be our equals, in essence.

    After all, isn’t it part of the human condition to want to create life? To become God? Sharing the world with robots seems like the next best thing…

  9. Bryan Bullock Says:

    If it will make my coffee for me in the mornings, I will gladly allow it to subjugate me beneath its iron heel.

  10. R. Says:

    Robots are the way of the future. To have an army of Killer Robot Death Machines who can make a mean brew…I think that would be my dream come true.

  11. patrick moonsun Says:

    think about it. robots are already captivating our women with subsonic vibrations to ecstacy. why not let let the robots brew the coffee post coitous, and let US bask in the afterglow. if they can be sex slaves, they can be errant slaves. i feel totally ok with subjugating them, and if they rise above us on some future point, may god strike me dead.

  12. BC Says:

    I totally agree with R
    killer robots that make coffee have always been a dream of mine!
    i never pictured it to be cute looking though, but i sure wouldnt mind

  13. lucylle Says:

    Great but… does it make tea as well? Because THAT is my ultimate dream. ;-)