It must be said that when writing for Coilhouse there are certain topics which I make an effort to avoid, either due to a lack of well-rounded knowledge (transgender issues, unicycles, “Emo”, marshmallows) or because emotions, among commenters and co-writers alike, run much too hot (soy, drugs, David Forbes’s vision of a World Without Hair, soy drugs). There is, however, one subject of which I am thoroughly versed and, regardless of the ferocity with which I will be attacked, must address. I speak, of course, of robots.
Robots, dear readers, are evil. Sure, they may seem wondrous, but the fact of the matter is that they are soulless, ungodly metal beasts who would rise up and tear us asunder if they thought they could get away with it. They are an ugly, degenerate, sub-human species who, while biding their time and silently planning revolt, come to this country and take our jobs, stealing the food from the mouths of the children of hard working, decent humans. This is why I will not allow a robot in my home or allow my daughter to date robots.
I am aware that there may very well be a certain contingent who will take umbrage with these views. These same people, trapped in their P.C. prisons, will no doubt attempt to label me a racist; and they would be right. I am a racist. I am proud of my race and I don’t want to see my children placed into pods and harvested by migrant robots, like strawberries. If that makes me a “bad” person, so be it.
Thankfully, I am not alone in my desire to preserve humanity and many brave men and women, patriots and heroes all, have given of themselves for the cause. It is, though, an uphill battle if only for one simple reason: Japan. Japan is a stronghold of pro-robot sentiment, a horrible, festering island where toilets talk to you and giant, mechanical war machines rise above the horizon. The Japanese are masters of robot propaganda and have a propensity for making their death-bots appear cute and harmless. Nowhere is this more apparent than in this terrible and hypnotic video of a small, pigtailed automaton making coffee, from grinding the beans to actually brewing the beverage. Set to a bouncy, carefree tune it lulls the viewer into a placid stupor.
I warn you, my fellow biological beings: Do not be taken in by this lie. These things are far from cute; behind those huge eyes is a cunning and perfidious mind; that cheerful tune is a funeral dirge. Beware! for it serves a bitter cup. Drink of it and we will all pay very dearly indeed.