Let the countdown begin!
Model: Licky Roxxx
Photographer: Rockee Lixxx
Children, you already know what eating too much candy does to your teeth, but do you know what snorting it does to your brain? It turns you into a fan of Jeffree Star’s music! So stay away from the stuff. It’s lethal. Try snorting peas and carrots instead.
Model: Dee Dee van Dollface
Photo: Cheesecake Bombshell Pin-Up Studios (accept no imitations)
“Oops, I pewped a leedle” face – be gone! We can’t wait until the hundreds of models and photographers who try to emulate Bettie Page and Irving Klaw begin to copy the next phase of the duo’s career, becoming born-again Christians and destroying all their work. Hurry up already!
Model: Ophelia Pain
Back in the 90s, goths actually walked to the cemetery to do their weeping-by-the-tombstone pic. But you’ve evolved past your ancestors and their barbaric ways. You did a Google search on “graveyard” and found a great image on the first page of results for your new MySpace pic. It’s OK, we’ll pretend to believe your Photoshopping. Thx 4 the ADD.
Photographer: Helium Holocaust
Caution! While some of you n00bs think Bathtub Angst is a phenomenon invented in the MySpace era, this isn’t the case. This form of expression has been around for hundreds of years and is well-documented. See Death of Marat. For more on this, consult “Displays of Angst: Goth PhotoCode, Clause 4.008.”
Model: Aviatrix Isobel auf der Aethertrope
Photo: Queefernaut Tintype Parlour
We all thought goggles on a top hat were a good look when we first saw it some years ago in that 4 Non Blondes video, but with the explorer aesthetic being in vogue, functionality comes into play. Uh oh, jettison the dirigible!
Yes, we make the funs! But not without earning our stripes. Zo’s certainly guilty of posing for shoots just like this, and we mean JUST like this, in her gothier, less discerning days. Oh, she’s posed in a cemetery with black feather wings (granted it was a real cemetery and she was actually there in person). She’s rolled around half naked in syrupy stage blood, firmly stuck to another model. She might have liked it. Mer will be the first to admit that she should probably seek psychiatric treatment for her compulsive hoarding of silly hats, goggles, and blimp paraphernalia, and we’ve all seen some of Nadya’s early photo-travesties. But it’s all in the past. Today we sigh into the smoky Angel City sky a silent wish – please, let the badness end here.