Prosthetics are hot! That’s how I’ll console myself if I ever lose my hand in a terrible accident. I picture a long-fingered, razor-nailed chrome hand for everyday wear; a sleek jeweled hand with fingertips that project light (or film!) for the evenings; and for special occasions, I want a sock puppet that’s also a flamethrower. In my toolkit, I would also like to have something Ye Olde. Ideally I’d love to get my remaining hand on the following, eloquently written up for us by guest blogger David Forbes (aka Coilhouse commenter ampersandpilcrow). - Nadya
Götz Von Berlichingen had a problem. It was 1504 and, at the tender young age of 24, the plundering knight, mercenary and all around bastard had the upper part of his right arm torn off in a cannon blast. As someone who made his living off war and already had a sizable enemies’ list, Götz needed his killin’ hand.
So he got another one. Made of iron.
However, this was no crudely shaped hunk of metal — it was a mechanical masterpiece, centuries ahead of its time. The iron hand not only allowed Götz to return to battle, but later helped lay the foundation for modern prosthetics. Complete with articulated fingers, spring action and an array of levers and buttons, the hand allowed a degree of control that’s stunning even today. Fitted with it, Götz could do the following:
It also gave him one hell of a right hook. All this in an era where steam power was still a distant dream and Copernicus had barely begun to deduce that Earth wasn’t the center of the universe.
Götz (and his iron hand) would go on to great infamy. He was twice outlawed by the Holy Roman Emperor, once for mugging a particularly loaded group of merchants. He pillaged towns, helped lead (and later ditch) a peasant revolt and slaughtered Turks, scores of fellow Germans and the French. When a Bishop once demanded his surrender, he thundered back: “Er kann mich im Arsche lecken!” Roughly translated, that’s “Kiss my ass!” The phrase became somewhat popular.
He accomplished another feat often denied to his ilk: he retired and died in bed. He actually preferred his new hand, saying the mechanical wonder had “rendered more service in the fight than ever did the original flesh.”
In no record I can find is the unknown genius who ever made the damn thing mentioned.
Götz’s larger-than-life persona and deeds lived on, however, as did the now-famous hand, preserved today in the museum at his old Jagsthausen castle. Goethe wrote a five-act play about his life called Götz Von Berlichingen with the Iron Hand, though denying him the peaceful retirement part (not enough DRAMA!, Romantics like their antiheroes dead dammit). Sartre portrayed him as a ruthless butcher/existentialist symbol. As science marched forward, physicians from around Europe would study his metal limb and get some ideas of their own.
And, of course, “kiss my ass” is still shouted loudly and proudly the world over.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Unfair how the creator got no credit for this! How did it work in terms of moving the fingers and stuff! Were they, like… tied to tendons?
March 12th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
So let me get this straight: there’s a historical precedent for Ash’s prosthetic hand in Army of Darkness?
Sweet.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Prosthetics, battlefields and profanity. This post owns.
I wonder if he’s ever been name-dropped in a Manowar tune?
March 12th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Groovy.
I. HAD. To.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Great post Ampers, cheers! Some interesting extra-curricular material for me to chase up there, too. Sterling effort all round - and, a lack of puerile onanism cracks notwithstanding, I’m moved to offer you a hearty round of applause!
*CLANG*
*CLANG*
*CLANG*
;D
March 12th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I swoon. If I eve lose my hand in a horrible thresher accident, it’s iron hand all that way.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I wonder if anyone else remembers the old Robert Conrad TV show A Man Called Sloane. His partner Torque had an amazing array of attachable hands — artillery, power tools, a vise-claw, the works. Good stuff.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Jerem, If you didn’t, i was going to.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Very, very groovy post, David.
Wayne, holy crap! I totally remember Torque! What the hell happened to that dude, I wonder. (We all know what happened to Robert Conrad, poor bastard.) That reminds me… I need to netflix some of those old Wild Wild West episodes.
My right arm was half-severed a while back. While I’m tremendously grateful my incredible surgeon saved it from amputation, I’ve often daydreamed about what it would be have been like to trade in my battered meat for a full-on cyborg arm. This iron fist sounds pretty bad ass as well.
And while I’m daydreaming…. I can has Sex Machine’s penis revolver, too?
March 12th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Thx David. This guy had to have been rad. I wonder if the church in 1504 would have had a problem with this arm…playing god and whatnot. Maybe it had to have come from an outlaw…
“And while I’m daydreaming…. I can has Sex Machine’s penis revolver, too?”
I heard Dean Kamen is putting a wiener-gun on the next generation segway ;)
March 12th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Jesus Mer, how did you almost sever an arm?
March 12th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
mil - kudos for the the manowar joke.
March 13th, 2008 at 5:15 am
Quite the handjob! (what? I like puns!) It’s devices like these and other ancient tools needed for the warmaker that shows mankind’s true genius…and our love for repetition and arrogance that only the present has the cool cutting edge stuff. It’s a beauty and being slapped, maimed, or prodded by the thing has to have been an odd experience…
@Skerror…I dunno if the church would have an issue with it given their love of mechanical death machines. If anything they were probably envious and trying to figure out how to make it shoot flammable holy water.
March 13th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Violaine: Yeah, I thought it was pretty unfair too. Somewhere in medieval Germany there was a far-too-humble artisan genius who was thinking ages ahead of their time — makes me wonder what else they could have accomplished.
The fingers would be manually fixed around an object, large or small, that Gotz could then operate by moving his stump. The hand was so well designed that it would actually keep a grip on the weapon, quill, reins, what have you.
Mill, Jerem, Mark: Thank you. I had a lot of fun writing and researching it. The very groovy metal applause makes it all worthwhile. ;-)
Mer: Wow. I’m very glad they managed to save your arm (though you doubtless would have made a badass cyborg).
Also, further research has uncovered that Gotz had a relative in Transylvania:
March 13th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Ack! Well since the embedding didn’t work, here’s Gotz’s Transylvanian counterpart
March 13th, 2008 at 8:45 am
What a beautiful piece of work!
I can picture Gotz launching it off at his foes like Mazinger Z’s Rocket Punch…
SPLAT!!
March 13th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Great post, David! Well done!
As for Mer with a deadly penis, that image somehow made my day…. :)
March 13th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Well! I read a long time ago that the character Guts from Berserk was based on somebody… I never actually saw the pictures though. Amazing!
March 17th, 2008 at 5:20 am
[...] So he got another one. Made of iron. That’s one awesome prosthetic. In addition to green, the new five dollar bill is purple and yellow. The colors of my old black-lite army, back in the day. Tips for photographing the cherry blossoms. Water: 3 Veg/Fruit: 7 Milk: 1 Points: 30.5 Adj: 0 Act: 0.0 Rem: 1.5-6.5 Bank: 15.0 Adj: 0 Bank Max: 15 Point: 15 Act: 4 Vitamins: Yes [...]
March 19th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
I want complete (readable) schematics!
Matthew
May 9th, 2008 at 9:43 am
This is actually my 5th great grandfather. I grew up hearing stories about him. My grandparents escaped Russia during the revolution and came to America. At that time they changed the spelling of our name from Gotz to Goetz.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Robyn: Wow. That’s a hell of a family tree to have.
I’m glad you found this post and I hope it did your ancestor justice.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:25 am
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