I must hear the fireworks. This is vital to the whole experience.
Found by Storm - a m4w Craig’s List ad titled “Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers?” The entire scene is too long and raunchy to repost here, but here’s the gist:
When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV.
After a bit of Goomba-stomping, platform-jumping, brick-smashing foreplay, Serious Business ensues:
When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you.
But it’s not all fun and games! “I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.”
Creepy? Hilarious? Awesome? Fake? Whatever - I’ve found his soul mate!
July 31st, 2008 at 3:06 pm
“This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks.”
Ok, at that point I lost it; uncontrollable laughter to the degree that had anyone been nearby they would have surely questioned my sanity.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Build me a rocket ship I want off this planet now now now now.
Oh god he’s on the ship with me and keeps talking about metroid. I’m blowing the airlock and crashing the rocket into the sun.
July 31st, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I read the whole post…no cosplay? Gotta be fake. In order of most likely to happen: Step 1) convince fan to dress up. Step 2) convince fan to play game. Step 3) profit. Step 4) go to nerd heaven.
I vote for hilarious.
July 31st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.
Doomed. Do you hear me? Humanity. Is. Doomed.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:40 pm
This guy…whoever it is….it’s like he’s seen into my SOUL…
August 1st, 2008 at 10:10 am
I keep trying, but for the life of me I can’t seem to figure out how to physically scrub my brain of this. I used the eye soap, but I can’t get to the brain.
“… also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.”
Gee, you think?
Good find, O Coilhouse editrix…
August 1st, 2008 at 11:18 am
If he was hot, I would totally do it.
*ashamed*
August 1st, 2008 at 11:33 am
What I find interesting about this (both in the comments and elsewhere I’ve seen) is that all the guys are reacting like this is the most horrific thing they’ve ever read, and all the girls are like, “AWESOME! Yeah!”
With my luck, I would probably respond to this ad thinking it was really clever. I’d show up and be like “hey, that was a funny ad, I like the way you think!” and he’d be like “funny? what’s funny about it? and WHY ARE WE TALKING? I thought I made that clear!”
August 1st, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Nadya: I would like to point out that my reaction was not horror but laughter. Brock McCoy seemed to have a similar reaction. So not all the guys.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Ben: true, true! That’s what I get for making generalizations.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Nah, all things considered, it’s not really horrific. In fact, it would even be pretty charming in that sweet, messed-up kinky way if not for the “woman no talky, fake an orgasm” attitude.
The gut reaction I had more reminded me of sitting through the preview for a particularly bizarre and inane movie and amidst my own laughter, suddenly finding myself thinking: “My god, we’re so screwed.”
August 1st, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Dave, you’re right. That part skeeved me out too. It really suggests this kind of weird social-retardeness. Or maybe sexual-retardedness.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:26 pm
The part that irks me is the part about switching holes. YOU’RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO GO BACK AND FORTH!! you can make a girl really, seriously ill by doing that.
All in all, this was lolz. But I bet the dude is both super fat and super creepy. This would have made me hot if it wasn’t for all of the gross parts about not talking and stuff.
August 1st, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Even if the person who wrote this is “super fat and super creepy” (even though i don’t see the correlation between fat and creepy…fat people aren’t creepy, I digress)…they have a dark sense of humor. This could be awesome if it didn’t reek of something more sinister.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Actually… I can’t decide if I feel like it reeks of something sinister or not to me. When I read it my gut reaction was “AWESOME.” Because I didn’t take any of it seriously. I thought it was just someone with a sense of humor about posting a sex ad on Craig’s List - kind of making fun of sexually-retarded men (showing that he understands how ridiculous that kind of behavior is by really taking it over the top), showing that he has a sense of humor and suggesting that he’s into kinky shit all at the same time. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. I’m torn!
August 7th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Equally horrifying and hilarious.
August 17th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Okay so I’ll admit, this was kind of hot to me.