The Pervert’s Guide to Etsy
To the casual observer, Etsy.com is a cutesy realm of craft hipster chicks and middle American stay-at-home moms; a twee repository of homemade flowery jewelry crafts, popsicle stick and Fimo clay sculptures and hand-sewn terrycloth baby bibs. I am here to tell you that I have spent the week spelunking Etsy’s dark side and my friends, there is so much more. It’s a pervert’s treasure trove waiting to be discovered. It’s almost October, which means it’s almost Halloween, which is basically Goth Christmas (oh yeah, I said GOTH CHRISTMAS and I’ll say it again). Here are my gifty picks for the special perverts in your life.
1. Road Kill Squirrel Neoprene Mask. Hand made from neoprene rubber, reinforced with leather, padded inside for comfort, with three straps to ensure it won’t slip off during moments of necro-furry Valentine/Halloween passion.
2. Latex Cage Dress. High quality latex is always pricey and this is no exception. But for this kind of detail and quality you expect to fork over the cash. HMS Latex features pieces that hit the holy trinity of sexy, tough, and ladylike with this dress, these adorable latex gloves and this to-die-for elegant shrug.
3. “Corset” Style Sock Garters. It usually annoys me to no end when people call anything with some sort of lacing “corset style” but these are so cute I must make an exception. There is nothing organ-rearranging about these but they sure will trick out your naughty schoolgirl/nun/nurse/bunny/whatever costume quite nicely. It’s all in the details; little things like this are what inspire me to inappropriately hike up my skirt in public. Bonus: Since it’s Etsy and pretty much all the shops on Etsy are run by one artist-maker-person, you can probably write to her and ask about custom orders, sizes and colors. I love small-scale artisan commerce almost as much as I love slutty legwear.
4. Custom leather wrist cuffs. Treat your good little submissive to the prettiest leather cuffs money can buy. Customize these babies with your favorite swatch of Chinese silk brocade fabric and let your lover proclaim her status as your property with style and pride. Several styles available! Consider also the ankle cuffs.
5. Stockwhip. Handmade leather whips by WhipsEtc. No nonsense, no inflated Purple Passion prices, no weird international websites. Just simple, custom-made pain. I’m at a loss as to why this seller has yet to sell anything.
6. Hand-forged ‘Story of O’ slave ring. Seller Undercurrent offers handmade silver rings in different sizes, created from the description of the rings worn by Roissy slaves in the erotic BDSM classic book, Story of O. Custom size orders are available for those commitment-minded perverts looking to celebrate their union.
7. Victorian Bustle Fanny Pak. The name says it all. There could be no more perfect gift for the Victoriana-nerd-fancier.
8. Shakti Cock Pendant. This “tantric, provocative and stimulating” pendant is a conduit for male energy. Will absolutely increase your sexual potency and get you doubletakes in the supermarket. Wear it to attract the lust of sissy boys who need to be whipped and called “bitch.” Yes, that is how tantric magic works.
9. Custom corsets for waist reduction. Now these are the real deal. Again, less pricey than any of the fetish boutiques I can think of in NYC and open to custom orders. This shop by DivaDivine777 is definitely worth checking out. I think my favorite is this long line steel boned beauty in white silk, for a mere $169.
10. Cute pink hat with ears. I will end this list where I started: with adorable accessories for furrysex lovins. This one has an added dash of pedophilia pizzazz. Also available in blue: one for him, one for her? Hee!
September 17th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Some of these make even me feel vaguely disturbed.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:55 am
The phrase “pedophilia pizazz” makes even me queasy.
Those sock garters and ankle cuffs, however, are hawt.
rp
September 17th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Oh god.. There MUST be a valid reason that fanny pack appeals to me. Right?
September 17th, 2008 at 11:04 am
“pedophilia pizazz” = my favorite new phrase.
Article was hilarious and informative at the same time.
Go Irene!!!
September 17th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I find this article to be hilariously timed, because I bought all of my girlfriend’s and all of my daughter’s birthday presents on Etsy (said daughter turns 16 tomorrow, so I actually need to get on the stick about wrapping things, eek!), and I had a great time finding really unique and genuinely odd stuff to give them.
Kira’s birthday is going to have a tentacle theme . . . which means she’s getting goodies from http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=2565 , among others ^_^
LOTS of cephalopod love on there — the hard part was narrowing it down to just my favorites!
September 17th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I am sad you did not incude my gallery of dark and perverted art!
I think I am the kinkiest artist on etsy, at least last time I checked :)
http://www.slurkgirl.etsy.com
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=9945493
September 17th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
It’s okay Zoe, I also immediately had lust for the fanny pack and it made me feel bad about myself.
I sold a bunch of pins like this –
http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=5362113
on Etsy a while ago, and all to the same person over the span of a couple months.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
This must be the first time somebody has suggested a fanny pack for fashion reasons.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I love digging for the oddities on Etsy. I’m going to be jonesing for those sock garters now though.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
@ Ashbet: funny you should mention the tentacle theme, as i’ve been drooling over these for a while now… http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5260408
all made from real tentacles!
September 17th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Wow, what a pleasant surprise to come home, read my feeds and see my work in it!! And in Coilhouse!!!
Thank you Miss Kaoru for featuring me, I’m a very happy latex crafter! :)
September 17th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I suggest that fanny pack with a total absence of irony. DO WANT.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
What the hell are hipsters? I just read an article on it on Wiki (most amazingly credible source out there) and it really hasn’t cleared anything up.
From another highly credible source:
“people in thier teens to 20s who generally listen to indie rock, hang out in coffee shops, shop at the thrift store and talk about things like books, music, films and art. ”
What’s wrong with that? And I’ve noticed, people who hate hipsters usually deny being hipsters themselves. There are definitely different sects of hipsters, most of them not recognized because they have some other silly word for it.
Oh and I like those shoes and the magical penis pendant.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Winominx,
Either you’ll your ass off, or you’ll roll your eyes, but for ME, this “Hipster Olympics” lampoon is as defining as anything:
September 17th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
^HA! I love that video. These “people” are so cartoony to me, it’s really hard for me to believe that these Sloth Humans really exist. I feel like I need to visit New York for a day to study their behavioural patterns, or lack thereof.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
@Mer…”Unicorns are the new Chuck Norris…” That sounds about right. I rolled my eyes at this cause that’s the new laughing. I like hipsters though…they’re so non-threatening that even when they TRY to pull the elitist card all you can do is laugh and pat their heads going “You’re SO cute!”…plus the music is good :P
September 17th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
You know is you mix together #’s 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, & maybe 10…that’d be kinda hot in a very “Going to a Furry Latex Dungeon party” kinda vibe.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
i made that fannypack or SWANclothing Ruffle Bustle Bumbag as i call it :) and that’s me wearing it too. thanks for the likings and for including me :)
and Zoetica the valid reason is that it probably would look amazing on you? ha!
September 17th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
@ashet and el:
I was JUST going to repeat what you said el! Octopusme is fabulous. I have several pairs of her earrings AND she customized her tentacle ring for my engagement ring! and now I’m working for her! Deana is amazing. she has even better things coming out in the near future so keep a look out!
September 18th, 2008 at 7:00 am
[…] handmade good. Sometime Boinkology contributor Irene Kaoru is schooling Coilhouse readers about all the hidden (or not so hidden) sex lurking among the innocent handmade wares. Delicious, we say. These icons link to social […]
September 18th, 2008 at 7:45 am
I went and bought the sock garters as soon as i saw them… Am i Bad :)?
September 18th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
[…] We here at HMFH are obsessed with everything handmade, and therefore, are of course totally smitten with the handmade or bust commnunity that is Etsy (alright fine, the Porn Librarian isn’t really – she just asked me what Etsy is… but the rest of us are! Umm, actually I don’t know about Miss Behaving either… FINE! Venus Vegas and I are totally obsessed with Etsy!). So, can you even imagine the squeal that came out of my mouth when I found that Coilhouse Magazine did a blog post dedicated to the pervy side of Etsy! […]
September 18th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
“Moments of necro-furry passion”… :O
I genuinely never thought I’d see yiffing referenced on Coilhouse. I’m calling Mary Whitehouse right now. ;)
September 18th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
@ Stephanie and El — I have a necklace made of charms given to me by various loved ones over my lifetime . . . and my husband’s contribution to it was an OctopusMe tentacle pendant! He knows me so well ;)
September 19th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
A woman wearing the Victorian Bustle Fanny Pak could win my heart, outright.
September 20th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Oh goodness. For one, I saw the latex model photo this afternoon on DeviantArt’s DailyDeviations. Second of all, I have an Etsy.
Im not terribly impressed with the site. They all seem a bit overly sensitive, its no wonder weekly, someone with a pornographic avatar starts wreaking havoc in the forums. There has to be SOMETHING to liven up that site. The price of promotion.
I have also seen those ankle cuffs around.
..Im ashamed to even know what yiffing MEANS. Thank you CSI.
September 20th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
whoah! looks like some of your comments are spam, guys.
September 21st, 2008 at 1:07 am
six06, which comment? the “porn for women” one is just a linkback from a blog that cites this post.
September 28th, 2008 at 11:58 am
[…] September 28, 2008 by wetdove I am sure there is a ton of great stuff on etsy, but I for one do not have the patience to sort through all of the CRAP to look for it. So I always get a little excited when I see that someone else has done it! Coilhouse Magazine waded through the felt disasters and tacky jewelry to bring us The Perverts Guide to Etsy. […]
October 17th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
hey thanks for mentioning my sock garters. why do i feel such a rush to be included in the perverts guide?? hee hee I LOVE IT!! great article.
for other great “dark side” stuff on etsy…
search
“diyscene team”
i think you’ll like what you find! :)