To the casual observer, Etsy.com is a cutesy realm of craft hipster chicks and middle American stay-at-home moms; a twee repository of homemade flowery jewelry crafts, popsicle stick and Fimo clay sculptures and hand-sewn terrycloth baby bibs. I am here to tell you that I have spent the week spelunking Etsy’s dark side and my friends, there is so much more. It’s a pervert’s treasure trove waiting to be discovered. It’s almost October, which means it’s almost Halloween, which is basically Goth Christmas (oh yeah, I said GOTH CHRISTMAS and I’ll say it again). Here are my gifty picks for the special perverts in your life.
1. Road Kill Squirrel Neoprene Mask. Hand made from neoprene rubber, reinforced with leather, padded inside for comfort, with three straps to ensure it won’t slip off during moments of necro-furry Valentine/Halloween passion.
2. Latex Cage Dress. High quality latex is always pricey and this is no exception. But for this kind of detail and quality you expect to fork over the cash. HMS Latex features pieces that hit the holy trinity of sexy, tough, and ladylike with this dress, these adorable latex gloves and this to-die-for elegant shrug.
3. “Corset” Style Sock Garters. It usually annoys me to no end when people call anything with some sort of lacing “corset style” but these are so cute I must make an exception. There is nothing organ-rearranging about these but they sure will trick out your naughty schoolgirl/nun/nurse/bunny/whatever costume quite nicely. It’s all in the details; little things like this are what inspire me to inappropriately hike up my skirt in public. Bonus: Since it’s Etsy and pretty much all the shops on Etsy are run by one artist-maker-person, you can probably write to her and ask about custom orders, sizes and colors. I love small-scale artisan commerce almost as much as I love slutty legwear.
4. Custom leather wrist cuffs. Treat your good little submissive to the prettiest leather cuffs money can buy. Customize these babies with your favorite swatch of Chinese silk brocade fabric and let your lover proclaim her status as your property with style and pride. Several styles available! Consider also the ankle cuffs.
5. Stockwhip. Handmade leather whips by WhipsEtc. No nonsense, no inflated Purple Passion prices, no weird international websites. Just simple, custom-made pain. I’m at a loss as to why this seller has yet to sell anything.
6. Hand-forged ‘Story of O’ slave ring. Seller Undercurrent offers handmade silver rings in different sizes, created from the description of the rings worn by Roissy slaves in the erotic BDSM classic book, Story of O. Custom size orders are available for those commitment-minded perverts looking to celebrate their union.
7. Victorian Bustle Fanny Pak. The name says it all. There could be no more perfect gift for the Victoriana-nerd-fancier.
8. Shakti Cock Pendant. This “tantric, provocative and stimulating” pendant is a conduit for male energy. Will absolutely increase your sexual potency and get you doubletakes in the supermarket. Wear it to attract the lust of sissy boys who need to be whipped and called “bitch.” Yes, that is how tantric magic works.
9. Custom corsets for waist reduction. Now these are the real deal. Again, less pricey than any of the fetish boutiques I can think of in NYC and open to custom orders. This shop by DivaDivine777 is definitely worth checking out. I think my favorite is this long line steel boned beauty in white silk, for a mere $169.
10. Cute pink hat with ears. I will end this list where I started: with adorable accessories for furrysex lovins. This one has an added dash of pedophilia pizzazz. Also available in blue: one for him, one for her? Hee!