It’s beginning to look a lot like HUMBUG.

(From the priceless Sun-Sentinel “Scared of Santa” photo gallery.)

It’s that time again. Can’t go anywhere without getting a shot of rancid Santa splooge in the eye. Can’t escape the mewling, reindeer shit-besmirched legions of consumer whores clamoring to buy perfunctory fad gifts for their relatives and co-workers. Can’t order a freakin’ espresso without someone trying to pour their special brand of putrescent nutmeg-flavored pus down one’s throat. Black Friday has ushered in what is arguably the darkest, bleakest period of the calendar year. Even if it’s a myth that suicide rates are highest during the holidays, some of the frailer agnostics among us will surely be reduced to gibbering husks by December 25th.

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But take heart, all ye heathens, Scrooges and secular humanists. There are so many delightful reasons to rejoice in the season besides the miraculous birth of Baby Jesus or being given a luxury SUV wrapped in a giant @#$!*& bow. Explore the wonderment beyond the cut.

Coilhouse enthusiastically encourages readers (with a healthy sense of humor, naturally) to add their own links in the comment section. Please, no icicle pr0n.

Hey, if anyone can find footage of that Diff’rent Strokes episode where Arnold decides to convert to Judaism so he can get more presents by celebrating Hannukah, please let me know. I’m beginning to wonder if I hallucinated it.

20 Responses to “It’s beginning to look a lot like HUMBUG.”

  1. Derek Says:

    I had some interest in seeing Silent Night, Deadly Night before, but now after that clip, I must see that movie! I want to be a crazy old coot like him someday.

  2. Lauren Says:

    This post is a perfect example of why I designated your blog as my homepage.

  3. Lauren Says:

    oh, and to add to the xmas linkage:

    Here are a number of “Christmas” photos from the Soviet Union / Russia from 1936 – 2006. In the early pictures they’re actually celebrating the New Year, as the celebration of Christmas was forbidden.

    And here is a collection of of hilariously bad nativity products.

  4. pinkdeviant Says:

    Here, here & here.
    It’s the entire California Raisins Musical Christmas Special. A relic from the weirdness of early 90s clay-mation. This is absolutely one of the things that made me weird.

  5. Jerem Morrow Says:

    Don’t forget ze Tales From The Crypt: Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas, CRYPTMAS special!

    Listen here.

  6. Tequila Says:

    I like the lights this time of year…everything else I can do without. Though I have a soft spot for the assorted holiday themed cookies we get this time of year.

    Cause after all who doesn’t like cookies? Unless you’re one of those cake loving heathens.

  7. Jerem Morrow Says:

    @ pinkdeviant: I have ze entire Will Vinton holidays collection on dvd. Though, ze Halloween special is ze only reason I wanted it.

  8. Bunny Says:

    YAAA Silent Night Deadly Night!
    Yaaa Linnea Quigley impaled on Antlers!!! (Her first role no less)

    “Sweet Jesus!!” HAHAHAHAHHA HammaWA!!! “Spare Change???”
    Emmett Otter, Christmas Story and Gremlins, the perfect Trinity of Christmas movies!

  9. Bunny Says:

  10. the_dannobot Says:

    putrescent? No way, pumpkin spice lattes are awesome!

  11. Vivacious G Says:

    My eyes! How could you do this? *runs and hides

  12. E. Black Says:

    I worked Black Friday and it was like Dawn of the Dead. Legions of bitchy consumer whores who thought they owned the store. Guh! Next year I’m going on vacation.

  13. Mer Says:

    Aww, Tales From the Crypt. How could I forget.

    Pink Deviant, yes! Thanks for that reminder. Will Vinton made me weird, too.

    Danno, I was actually referring specifically to the phenomenon of rancid, congealing franchise egg nog. (Hey, if you’re into that stuff, more power to ya.)

  14. T Says:

    What !?! No “A Very Scary Solstice” !?!

    How can you go wrong with cthulu mythos sung to
    over-commercialized holiday tunes?

  15. T Says:

    Opps… redact that…my oversight ;)

  16. Bunny Says:

    Christmas Evil – yah

    some more Subversive Holiday film fun

  17. Mer Says:

    Btw, Lauren? The Cavalcade of Bad Nativity Scenes just made me schnarf coffee out mah nose. Thankee.

  18. Tanya Says:

    So last night on Wheel of Fortune, Pat Sajak said that “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is his 2nd favorite Christmas movie! Starring Pia “She could have been a star!” Zadora. I was impressed with Pat for saying that.

  19. Kit Says:

    Ya’ll are forgetting the best part of the season. The yearly reading of ‘The Stupidest Angel’ by Christopher Moore. It’s a heartwarming (not really) tale of Xmas Horror. I mean, Xmas is all about zombies. Seriously tho, Jesus was a zombie kinda, right?

  20. Akela Talamasca Says:

    See, this is why I celebrate Discardia.