The Black Oven: Tasty, Tasty Doom

Call of the Wintermoon Lemon Curd Cookies. “These are best enjoyed while basking in the self-righteousness of your own obscurity.”

You know, there’s really nothing I enjoy more than banging my head to relentless black metal. Unless it’s making and consuming baked goods. Fucking A, dude, I love cookies. In some parallel universe, a far more brutal and satanic Mer than I is seated on an obsidian throne atop a baronial mountain built from the bones of her enemies, gorging on bottomless trays of red velvet cupcakes and snickerdoodles while truly epic tremolo-picked riffs reverberate through the charnel canyons. Occasionally she pauses to issue forth a soul-rending shriek. Dark chocolatey death spews from her corpse-painted mouth. HAIL.

Yet even this nightmarish Mer incarnation would grovel in terror before a certain gastronomical overlord known to worshipful initiates as All-Devouring Megan the Bae Korr. Megan currently resides in this world (in Oakland, California, no less! I must find her and become her minion!) and recently started a baking recipe blog called The Black Oven. It is kvlt as fuck. An excerpt:

Frostbitten Molasses Cookies Entombed with Ginger

Boiled down to its very essence, metal is nothing more than a mixture of molasses and alienation. By that definition, these cookies are black fucking metal. Packed full of grim and evil spices, they will leave you feeling despondent and isolated within their stronghold of flavor.

Make it:

1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup molasses
1/8 cup honey
1 egg yolk
1 cup crystallized ginger pieces
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
1 1/2 tblsp cinnamon
1 to 2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp nutmeg

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Cream together butter, sugar, molasses, and honey. Beat in egg yolk and ginger pieces.
Sift together flour baking soda, baking powder, salt and spices.
Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients in thirds.
Chill for an hour.
bake 8-10 minutes
DO NOT OVER BAKE. To do so would not be brutal.

Enjoy, and sacrifice one to Space Odin.

I’ve just made a batch of her “Where the Chocolate Beats Incessant” brownies. Doom never tasted more delicious. Megan, I raise my fist and my flour sifter to you!

Immortal, in the throes of a grim sugar rush.

12 Responses to “The Black Oven: Tasty, Tasty Doom”

  1. Nadya Says:

    AHAH! ENTOMBED with ginger. The YouTube links are priceless, too. Yes!

    On a kind of related note, the other day I discovered that there exist in this world Absinthe Gummi Bears:



  2. Scarlett Says:

    Do you know, baking is something i really should start doing more of, coz I know I enjoy it & also the fruits of it…yummmm…

    Coilhouse, your inspiration knows no bounds!! X

  3. Zoetica Says:

    Now I want breakfast cookies! Is it too early in the day to be salivating uncontrollably?

  4. Alice Says:

    My baking has increased ten-fold over the past months…I really feel ready to experience this blog. Fate? Probably.

    @Nadya-so…wow…could you pour water over it like a sugar cube and make a glass of the drink from it? Or are you just supposed to eat it and be filled with absinthe-y childlike joy?

  5. Scarlett Says:

    I just realised that being in a completely different time-zone means I’ll be posting comments in the wee small hours of the morning! Zoetica, it’s lunchtime somewhere in the world, so never too early to salivate!

  6. Nadya Says:

    Scarlett, same here. End of my work day here in London… 9 AM in LA!

  7. Nark Says:

    Check out Bake & Destroy! for a gastronomical kindred spirit based out of Chicago.

    Not as Norse, but still metal. And delicious.

  8. Nadya Says:

    Alice: Not sure. I think we need to go to New York and conduct a full investigation…

  9. joshua Says:

    now if i can only figure out a way to capture the fractured violence of khanate in a quiche, we’ll be set…!

  10. joshua Says:

    also, the cookie monster clip is genius…! thanks, mer.

  11. Jon Munger Says:

    I have two roommates now. One is a cook, the other is a, and I quote his jacket, “Black Metal Warrior Against Christ.”

    Finally, they can come together and meet in harmony. And I get to lick the batter–of their SOULS!
    Now Scream for your cream.

  12. P:SI #173 "60 + 40 = Liberal Bias" | Project: Shadow Says:

    […] Frostbitten Molasses Cookies Entombed with Ginger (via Coilhouse) […]