T-Shirt Order Update, New Merch Announcement!
Guys, there’s good news and bad news. Bad news first: our Coilhouse shirts just came back from the screen-printer, and we have a huge problem. The ink had not dried yet when they started folding them. There are smudged, silvery blobs all over all the shirts. O NOES! We don’t feel comfortable mailing these out, and we can’t afford to get another batch printed. With sincere apologies to everybody who ordered a shirt last month, we are unable to fulfill your orders at this time.
The good news is, everyone who ordered a shirt will instead be receiving a limited edition item from our upcoming line of sexytime-themed merch: this embossed tin of exclusive Coilhouse condoms! These actually cost more to manufacture than the shirts did, so you’re getting a great deal. The tin features the original Coilhouse poster child, Stratosphere Messenger, drawn by Zoetica. Our intrepid cyber swashbuckler is carrying a very important message to the boys and girls of Coilhouse: be safe! Use protection! Don’t end up like some people, because this is what will happen to you. Inform, Inspire, but don’t Infect!
I/I/I rubbers are just the first item from CH’s upcoming line of adult-themed swag, which will debut in conjunction with Issue 03. We know our hot readers are gettin’ some AND BY GOLLY, WE WANT TO BE A PART OF IT. We’re thrilled to offer you a line of products as stimulating as they are socially conscious.
Actually, this is all a subliminal plot to make you associate sex with Coilhouse, goading a Pavlovian impulse to buy every time we put out a new issue. Sshhh.
Make sparks fly with our Tesla Coil “Cog” Ring. Tickle your prostrate with the pointy end of one of our Ethics Butthurt anal plugs, (each inscribed with the most asinine comments from certain threads on this blog that just won’t die). We’re developing a line of silicone tentacle dildos, because hey, that’s one fetish we all seem to have in common, as well as restraints made from space age metals, absinthe-flavored latex dental dams, and Shibari bondage rope woven from hair harvested directly from Mer’s scalp.
This range is still being developed, and we’re taking requests. Please post suggestions for products we should carry in the comments. Sorry again about the shirts. We promise, what we’re mailing you instead will be much more fun to wear.
Click below for more scintillating merchandise!
HAH-ha! We did receive the shirts this Monday, and they came out just fine. We’ve already begun mailing them off, starting with people who ordered them first. However, we’ve gotten a couple of emails from people saying “where’s my shirt?” Per our T-Shirt FAQ, there’s a 1-2 week lag time from the time you order a shirt to the time we ship. That lag time is there because that’s the time it took us to get everyone’s order and print the shirts. They’ll all be shipped by next Friday (the 10th) by the very, very latest. Thank you again for your patience!
April 1st, 2009 at 4:04 pm
The strikethrough on INFECT on the condom tin is pretty great. Dramatic wingéd hat wearing Mer is kinda scary.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I very briefly didn’t love you guys, and it’s 1am on 2nd of April here so I was unprepared for the Fooliness!!!
It’s not that the cockring wasn’t appealing – I just really want my t-shirts!!
April 1st, 2009 at 4:07 pm
yayyyy.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Har har.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
OK. It’s been a long day, and you guys totally got me!!!
I was halfway through thinking that the rubbers tin I guess is kinda cool, but since I’m married I don’t have a need for it – – when I saw your LOL picture.
Glad to hear that the shirts are on their way. I plan on wearing the hell out of mine.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Damn, you got me all excited for nothing! Nothing!
It’s actually amazing just how plausible it seemed at first…
April 1st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Augh, you totally got me. I was already brainstorming on what bizarre sex toys I could suggest to add to the line.
Steam-powered brass vibrators…? Oh, wait…that’s been done.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Dammut! Here I thought I was going to get me all that sweet sessy merchandise. Good one y’all.
COILHOUSE! Scream it when ye’re fuckin’! ;-)
April 1st, 2009 at 5:10 pm
I was with you all the way up to silicone tentacle dildos. How dare you toy with my emotions like that.
The condoms thing did not quite throw me off, when you consider these bad boys were actually real…
http://www.comicvine.com/news/watchmencondoms/137991/
April 1st, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Damn. Youse, Guys.
Damn youse to a cabin in the woods, full of Kandarian demons and NO Bruce Campbell in sight.
;P
April 1st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Dammit. Was so going to share the “cog” rings on bikepirates until I remembered it’s internet annoyance day.
=fist shaking=
April 1st, 2009 at 5:35 pm
They got me and I FUCKING WORK FOR THEM. Imagine Nadya’s glee upon receiving my panicked phone call…
Genius work!
April 1st, 2009 at 5:40 pm
@ Vivacious G: THAT was a very, very special moment in Coilhouse history (G is in charge of shipping here). That was right up there with that time we (well, our eagle-eyed readers) discovered a typo on the first cover. And that other time that Zo splooged green goo out of her nose during our first meeting. I will never forget the phone call that just happened!
Everyone: Hey, if there’s enough demand, we can still make this happen! We aim to please, baby.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Ok, well I figured it was a joke and all…. But can we actually get coilhouse condoms? pretty please?
April 1st, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Awww bugger. You break my heart. I’ve always said *someone* needed to make tentacle dildos. (Not sure i want one myself, but dammit, it would be so *right*.) Alas, when I went looking online, the only thing I could find was decidedly non-hentai-ish.
Oh, and for the record, that’s the first time anyone has gotten an April 1st joke by me in YEARS, so be proud f yourselves.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Shame, shame on me. This is the second year the April 1st post has gotten me. Here’s a toast to many, many more! Luckily, something about the “it’s steamy!” tagline clued me in…
I have to say, though, despite the fact that I have no need for condoms, I WAS getting pretty excited about having my very own CH condom container. Ahhh, well.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Joke or not, you’re totally missing out on a real marketing opportunity with some of those ideas. Guess you just don’t have the same entrepreneurial chops as I. ;)
April 1st, 2009 at 7:51 pm
You damn mutants.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:11 pm
ok – you got me too, although i would probably buy the cog rings, and i can think of a few friends who’d love the hentai dildo as a gift…
April 1st, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Dang!
I was getting all excited about new coilhouse sexytime line… ;)
But I will settle for a shirts for now… for now…
April 1st, 2009 at 11:44 pm
“…Shibari bondage rope woven from hair harvested directly from Mer’s scalp…”
Dammit! That would have been awesome…and disturbingly kinky.
@David…”COILHOUSE! Scream it when ye’re fuckin’!”
Well if that’s not worthy of the tag line for the next t-shirt I dunno what is.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:00 am
HAH! I think that was the the only internet April Fools I saw that actually made me laugh.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:40 am
I can’t help be a little disappointed that this was only a joke.
I am happy that your t-shirts are intact, but….the little tin is so cute, and the sex toys so intriguing! Sigh.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:54 am
Sweet, innocent little nublings. Don’t you think we want to make tentacle dildos? Now – a dream, one day – a reality you may live to regret.
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:23 am
Please, please, please start a line of Coilhouse sex toys. I mean, even if only 5% would get sold to interior designers who decorate dance clubs with tentacle dildos or brass cog rings, you would still get the Nobel Prize for marketing.
So actually what Chris Lowrance is saying.
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:28 am
….I only got that this was a joke when I read the comments. I had intended to comment to console you on the small disaster and praise your innovative creations.
I hate you.
(I LOVE you!)
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:01 am
aaaawww, i wanted the absinthe-flavoured dental dams because the normal ones are just….ick.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:39 am
Oh, you people. I was this close to forwarding this to the wife and saying “no t-shirt for you, but we still get the magazine…and a box…for condoms.”
But it is a precious little box!
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:32 am
I actually would buy Coilhouse condoms! Damnit all! :P
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:15 am
Damn, damn, damn! You got me, I was really looking forward to the tentacles. And it looks like I wasn’t the only one.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Wow. Your seriously had me for a moment…It was rather hard to explain to my parents that I am getting condoms in the mail. I would buy Coilhouse condoms though…I dont think i would buy a coilhouse butt bong though…that just gets a little far for even me. Much love.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I would TOTALLY have bought a tentacle vibrator :D
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:57 pm
you got me…
just read this right now
nuff said
love ya
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 am
Nice way to bring a lot of memories and personal work into this gag too! You’ve made us love you even more.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Makes one wonder how many people didnt bother to look beyond the jump and how many upset messages youve received! Considering this is something you mischief-makers mihgt do, I actually believed it! Until I got to the cock cogs..
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I am so sad; I really really really wanted that condom tin. :-(
April 4th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I love you my tshirt just arrived – I have enough time to cut it up & play with it before sporting it at the Recycled Rainbow meeting tonight – Local Burner Love… Best day all week. Thank you.
April 4th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
But there ARE tentacle dildos. Silicone ones, even, for those of you who really are interested.
http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/nonreal_dildos.html#t-wsr-2338
April 6th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I just got email from paypal that my condoms are about to be shipped! I can’t wait.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:06 am
coilhouse condom tin.
make one.
sell it to me.
bad girls.
almost as funny as the laibach condom tin featuring the legend ‘anti-semitism’.
no really, thats not an april fool, go check the laibach merch site.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Fun story: one time I was in the waiting room at the car mechanic. He comes in and says, “do you have the manual for your car?” I said, “it’s in the glove compartment.” He was like, “no it’s not, I checked. However, I found some other… interesting things in there.” Everyone in the room laughed and my face turned red. For the rest of my stay I kept thinking “FUCK, what did I have in there?” It was the Laibach condom tin that said Anti-Semitism on it! As I was driving away, my mechanic ran after my car and BEGGED me to sell it to him. He wasn’t a fan of the band, he just thought it was funny. Best merch item ever.
September 23rd, 2009 at 8:26 pm
…I wanted a cog ring. ._.