T-Shirt Order Update, New Merch Announcement!

Guys, there’s good news and bad news. Bad news first: our Coilhouse shirts just came back from the screen-printer, and we have a huge problem. The ink had not dried yet when they started folding them. There are smudged, silvery blobs all over all the shirts. O NOES! We don’t feel comfortable mailing these out, and we can’t afford to get another batch printed. With sincere apologies to everybody who ordered a shirt last month, we are unable to fulfill your orders at this time.

The good news is, everyone who ordered a shirt will instead be receiving a limited edition item from our upcoming line of sexytime-themed merch: this embossed tin of exclusive Coilhouse condoms! These actually cost more to manufacture than the shirts did, so you’re getting a great deal. The tin features the original Coilhouse poster child, Stratosphere Messenger, drawn by Zoetica. Our intrepid cyber swashbuckler is carrying a very important message to the boys and girls of Coilhouse: be safe! Use protection! Don’t end up like some people, because this is what will happen to you. Inform, Inspire, but don’t Infect!

I/I/I rubbers are just the first item from CH’s upcoming line of adult-themed swag, which will debut in conjunction with Issue 03. We know our hot readers are gettin’ some AND BY GOLLY, WE WANT TO BE A PART OF IT. We’re thrilled to offer you a line of products as stimulating as they are socially conscious.

Actually, this is all a subliminal plot to make you associate sex with Coilhouse, goading a Pavlovian impulse to buy every time we put out a new issue. Sshhh.

Make sparks fly with our Tesla Coil “Cog” Ring. Tickle your prostrate with the pointy end of one of our Ethics Butthurt anal plugs, (each inscribed with the most asinine comments from certain threads on this blog that just won’t die). We’re developing a line of silicone tentacle dildos, because hey, that’s one fetish we all seem to have in common, as well as restraints made from space age metals, absinthe-flavored latex dental dams, and Shibari bondage rope woven from hair harvested directly from Mer’s scalp.

This range is still being developed, and we’re taking requests. Please post suggestions for products we should carry in the comments. Sorry again about the shirts. We promise, what we’re mailing you instead will be much more fun to wear.

Click below for more scintillating merchandise!

HAH-ha! We did receive the shirts this Monday, and they came out just fine. We’ve already begun mailing them off, starting with people who ordered them first. However, we’ve gotten a couple of emails from people saying “where’s my shirt?” Per our T-Shirt FAQ, there’s a 1-2 week lag time from the time you order a shirt to the time we ship. That lag time is there because that’s the time it took us to get everyone’s order and print the shirts. They’ll all be shipped by next Friday (the 10th) by the very, very latest. Thank you again for your patience!

42 Responses to “T-Shirt Order Update, New Merch Announcement!”

  1. Ben Morris Says:

    The strikethrough on INFECT on the condom tin is pretty great. Dramatic wingéd hat wearing Mer is kinda scary.

  2. Scarlett Says:

    I very briefly didn’t love you guys, and it’s 1am on 2nd of April here so I was unprepared for the Fooliness!!!

    It’s not that the cockring wasn’t appealing – I just really want my t-shirts!!

  3. kimberlyann Says:


  4. Ben Johnson Says:

    Har har.

  5. CamyLuna Says:

    OK. It’s been a long day, and you guys totally got me!!!

    I was halfway through thinking that the rubbers tin I guess is kinda cool, but since I’m married I don’t have a need for it – – when I saw your LOL picture.

    Glad to hear that the shirts are on their way. I plan on wearing the hell out of mine.

  6. jakk Says:

    Damn, you got me all excited for nothing! Nothing!
    It’s actually amazing just how plausible it seemed at first…

  7. choklit Says:

    Augh, you totally got me. I was already brainstorming on what bizarre sex toys I could suggest to add to the line.

    Steam-powered brass vibrators…? Oh, wait…that’s been done.

  8. David Forbes Says:

    Dammut! Here I thought I was going to get me all that sweet sessy merchandise. Good one y’all.

    COILHOUSE! Scream it when ye’re fuckin’! ;-)

  9. Infamous Amos Says:

    I was with you all the way up to silicone tentacle dildos. How dare you toy with my emotions like that.

    The condoms thing did not quite throw me off, when you consider these bad boys were actually real…


  10. Jerem Morrow Says:

    Damn. Youse, Guys.

    Damn youse to a cabin in the woods, full of Kandarian demons and NO Bruce Campbell in sight.


  11. MichaelK42 Says:

    Dammit. Was so going to share the “cog” rings on bikepirates until I remembered it’s internet annoyance day.

    =fist shaking=

  12. Vivacious G Says:

    They got me and I FUCKING WORK FOR THEM. Imagine Nadya’s glee upon receiving my panicked phone call…

    Genius work!

  13. Nadya Says:

    @ Vivacious G: THAT was a very, very special moment in Coilhouse history (G is in charge of shipping here). That was right up there with that time we (well, our eagle-eyed readers) discovered a typo on the first cover. And that other time that Zo splooged green goo out of her nose during our first meeting. I will never forget the phone call that just happened!

    Everyone: Hey, if there’s enough demand, we can still make this happen! We aim to please, baby.

  14. adrian Says:

    Ok, well I figured it was a joke and all…. But can we actually get coilhouse condoms? pretty please?

  15. Pelianth Says:

    Awww bugger. You break my heart. I’ve always said *someone* needed to make tentacle dildos. (Not sure i want one myself, but dammit, it would be so *right*.) Alas, when I went looking online, the only thing I could find was decidedly non-hentai-ish.

    Oh, and for the record, that’s the first time anyone has gotten an April 1st joke by me in YEARS, so be proud f yourselves.

  16. Alice Says:

    Shame, shame on me. This is the second year the April 1st post has gotten me. Here’s a toast to many, many more! Luckily, something about the “it’s steamy!” tagline clued me in…

    I have to say, though, despite the fact that I have no need for condoms, I WAS getting pretty excited about having my very own CH condom container. Ahhh, well.

  17. Chris Lowrance Says:

    Joke or not, you’re totally missing out on a real marketing opportunity with some of those ideas. Guess you just don’t have the same entrepreneurial chops as I. ;)

  18. Jon Munger Says:

    You damn mutants.

  19. alumiere Says:

    ok – you got me too, although i would probably buy the cog rings, and i can think of a few friends who’d love the hentai dildo as a gift…

  20. Jani Says:

    I was getting all excited about new coilhouse sexytime line… ;)
    But I will settle for a shirts for now… for now…

  21. Tequila Says:

    “…Shibari bondage rope woven from hair harvested directly from Mer’s scalp…”

    Dammit! That would have been awesome…and disturbingly kinky.

    @David…”COILHOUSE! Scream it when ye’re fuckin’!”

    Well if that’s not worthy of the tag line for the next t-shirt I dunno what is.

  22. Wood Says:

    HAH! I think that was the the only internet April Fools I saw that actually made me laugh.

  23. one little simitopian Says:

    I can’t help be a little disappointed that this was only a joke.
    I am happy that your t-shirts are intact, but….the little tin is so cute, and the sex toys so intriguing! Sigh.

  24. Zoetica Says:

    Sweet, innocent little nublings. Don’t you think we want to make tentacle dildos? Now – a dream, one day – a reality you may live to regret.

  25. Kale Kip Says:

    Please, please, please start a line of Coilhouse sex toys. I mean, even if only 5% would get sold to interior designers who decorate dance clubs with tentacle dildos or brass cog rings, you would still get the Nobel Prize for marketing.

    So actually what Chris Lowrance is saying.

  26. Beth Says:

    ….I only got that this was a joke when I read the comments. I had intended to comment to console you on the small disaster and praise your innovative creations.

    I hate you.

    (I LOVE you!)

  27. nico Says:

    aaaawww, i wanted the absinthe-flavoured dental dams because the normal ones are just….ick.

  28. Harold Says:

    Oh, you people. I was this close to forwarding this to the wife and saying “no t-shirt for you, but we still get the magazine…and a box…for condoms.”

    But it is a precious little box!

  29. R. Says:

    I actually would buy Coilhouse condoms! Damnit all! :P

  30. Adversary153 Says:

    Damn, damn, damn! You got me, I was really looking forward to the tentacles. And it looks like I wasn’t the only one.

  31. Hemlok Says:

    Wow. Your seriously had me for a moment…It was rather hard to explain to my parents that I am getting condoms in the mail. I would buy Coilhouse condoms though…I dont think i would buy a coilhouse butt bong though…that just gets a little far for even me. Much love.

  32. Trystan Says:

    I would TOTALLY have bought a tentacle vibrator :D

  33. tyhiliet Says:

    you got me…
    just read this right now
    nuff said

    love ya

  34. Beth Says:

    Nice way to bring a lot of memories and personal work into this gag too! You’ve made us love you even more.

  35. BlueAnchorNatasha Says:

    Makes one wonder how many people didnt bother to look beyond the jump and how many upset messages youve received! Considering this is something you mischief-makers mihgt do, I actually believed it! Until I got to the cock cogs..

  36. Jacquie Says:

    I am so sad; I really really really wanted that condom tin. :-(

  37. Jezcabelle Says:

    I love you my tshirt just arrived – I have enough time to cut it up & play with it before sporting it at the Recycled Rainbow meeting tonight – Local Burner Love… Best day all week. Thank you.

  38. Aloysius Teddybear Says:

    But there ARE tentacle dildos. Silicone ones, even, for those of you who really are interested.


  39. Jani Says:

    I just got email from paypal that my condoms are about to be shipped! I can’t wait.

  40. Graham1138 Says:

    coilhouse condom tin.
    make one.
    sell it to me.
    bad girls.

    almost as funny as the laibach condom tin featuring the legend ‘anti-semitism’.

    no really, thats not an april fool, go check the laibach merch site.

  41. Nadya Says:

    Fun story: one time I was in the waiting room at the car mechanic. He comes in and says, “do you have the manual for your car?” I said, “it’s in the glove compartment.” He was like, “no it’s not, I checked. However, I found some other… interesting things in there.” Everyone in the room laughed and my face turned red. For the rest of my stay I kept thinking “FUCK, what did I have in there?” It was the Laibach condom tin that said Anti-Semitism on it! As I was driving away, my mechanic ran after my car and BEGGED me to sell it to him. He wasn’t a fan of the band, he just thought it was funny. Best merch item ever.

  42. Drea Says:

    …I wanted a cog ring. ._.