The Art Of Opening Bottles

Bottle caps are a particular source of shame for me, being as they are at the center of a particularly awful incident. Upon a hot summer afternoon a few years ago, in search of a salve for my burning thirst, I walked into my local drugstore and approached the soda counter. The jerk was busy with a young woman and her daughter who, being all of what seemed to be six or seven, was having an issue deciding exactly what to order. Not wishing to wait for my refreshment, I walked over to the cooler and extracted a frosty bottle of pop. Upon returning to the counter I looked over at the woman who, now aware of my presence looked over and, smiling politely, apologized for her offspring’s indecision. Telling her not to worry, I took my newly procured bottle of pop, pressed the neck of the bottle against the edge of the counter and preceded to execute the Donovan’s Reef maneuver.

Why I chose to attempt such a feat is a bit of mystery to me, even now. It may have had something to do with the fact that the woman was fairly attractive and I did it in an attempt to impress her or maybe it was just that the gleam of the counter’s edge caught my eye, calling to me and I was unable to resist its siren call. It may have been both but regardless, as my hand came down to strike that bottle cap it dawned on me that I had never actually done this before and as my hand struck the bottle’s neck I thought that perhaps this was a bad idea and I should have at least practiced this, preferably in the privacy of my own home, before using it in public to impress attractive mothers, and as the bottle shattered and glass broke the surface of my skin I thought that these were all excellent thoughts.

By this time I had the attention of all three of the other people at the counter. The woman’s polite smile had spread to a shocked rictus while the soda jerk’s face was a mask of swiftly rising anger. I, on the other hand, not wishing to appear ruffled, raised the jagged remnants of my bottle and, giving the woman a wink, brought it to my lips. After what seemed like an eternity, the glass biting into my lips, soda pouring down my chin, blood dripping from my mangled hand, the cries of the child — no doubt horrified by the sight of a lunatic mutilating himself in in front of the soda fountain — pierced the air. This seemed to set everyone in motion. Everything after that is a bit of a jumble but let’s just say that I am no longer welcome in that particular establishment.

Needless to say I learned the importance of a good bottle opener from this experience; and while I would say that function is preferable to form, in the case of this fantastic little pachyderm bottle opener from George Jensen and available at Urban Outfitters. Not only does it feature an eye-pleasing aesthetic but it allows you to remove both traditional caps and those infernal twist caps. It seems ideal for those of us who are, shall we say, less dexterous.

[via Laughing Squid]

9 Responses to “The Art Of Opening Bottles”

  1. D Says:

    We have those at the store where I work. It’s so much easier to sell stuff that you like yourself. I may have sold 100s of them to various gift-hunters asking for an idea.

  2. Kale Kip Says:

    There’s people trying to impress others by opening bottles with their teeth. Sure, it is impressive, but nothing really beats jamming a beer bottle in your eyesocket and popping open a fresh brew with a slight twist of your neck. If you do it right, you can even spare your eyeball.
    We were the most impressive, most masculine of all. The entire bar would stare at us in awe when someone would open up another bottle. I’ve seen a lot of brave men die when they introduced those damn twist caps.

  3. Jerem Morrow Says:

    I wear this, at all times:

  4. Dave L. Says:

    You’re supposed to use your forearm for the infernal twist caps. Jam it between your radius and ulna (God’s own bottle openers!) and twist. Never fails to get a girl to say ‘OOH! He does tricks!’

    I’ve yet to find a built-in pry top opener (other than teeth, but they tend to chip. And it hurts like hell)

  5. Patricia Says:

    I’d love to sell bottle openers like this one! They make nice gifts as has been said, particularly for guys who can be hard to buy for. There are some really cute and affordable solutions out there.

  6. Rachel Soma Says:

    I felt so bad for a homeless guy struggling to open his beer and was afraid he’d cut himself up or break his teeth that I performed the donovan maneuver on a park bench.

    I still do it sometimes but will not even attempt the eyesocket cap removal. *shudder*

  7. Jovana Says:

    Why men think lighting cigarettes and opening bottlecaps impresses us women for any other reason than making them our little slave monkeys is beyond me.

  8. Stephanie Says: this one is super cute too. AND it’s a multi tool. woohoo!

  9. Chelsey Dunphy Says:

    I have a friend who opens up twist-caps with his asscrack. It’s the scariesty, most impressive thing I’ve seen to this day.