July 31st: untold years into the future. The incept date of a mysterious being known in this dimension as Zoetica Ebb. Deep in the dank, aromatic depths of the Coilhouse Catacombs, we’d all been wracking our brains as to how to best celebrate another year of the glorious Zobogrammatron’s dalliance in our own space/time.


We know she likes shiny baubles. And pure electricity. And raw meat. So, for weeks, we all pooled our modest resources, collecting them in a special porcine receptacle with the intention of taking Z out for sushi tonight, followed by dancing and Jacob’s Ladder-licking at the Edison Lounge. Also, Nadya and I spent countless nights sneaking away to a top secret, tucked-away laboratory alcove of the Catacombs. Combining our formidable thaumaturgical and soldering skills, we crafted a Rundell Tiara facsimile from unclassifiable, glittering glassine fragments found lining the deep crater in Siberia where Zoetica was said to be discovered.

The ominous crown was finally completed in the wee hours of this very morning. So very proud we were, and so very tired, we forgot to engage the Catacomb’s alarm system before passing out cold in our cots. Or to feed Ross Rosenberg (our brilliant but pathologically ill associate whose cage office is also located here) his daily can of uncooked Spaghettios.

A few hours later, we were awakened by the sound of maniacal cackling. Rushing into the central chamber, we caught a glimpse of Ross clambering out of the jimmied escape hatch with our piggy bank tucked under one arm and the precious Doom Tiara perched askew upon his malformed cranium. “I’M A PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS. SAY IT!”

“Yes, Ross! You are! You’re the prettiest princess in all the land! Please, just put down the pig!”


“Ross! Nooooooooo!”

“SEE YOU IN HELL!!” With that, he slammed the escape hatch shut, leaving us bereft in the moldering darkness. But let it never be said that we are not resilient, resourceful gals. At the very last minute, through the magic of some hastily cooked up bathtub MDMA, Ross’s discarded balloon stash, and the Craigslist strippergram directory, we are still going to be able to observe Zoetica’s special day with an appropriate degree of sexiness and aplomb.


Happy birthday, Z. Love ya.


  1. Heather Says:

    is it my hangover or does that voice sound like blixa bargeld?

  2. Tanya Says:

    I have to agree with Heather! He sounds even more like Blixa in this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtX45rprUeE

    (yes I DID just go to his channel)

    Happy birthday, Zoe! You have a long life ahead of you! Life scarred and shadowed by the constant memory of this guy.

  3. Zoetica Says:

    So I’m not the only one who found this man’s voice disturbingly sexy. RELIEF!

    Love you Mer, you made my morning. Still recovering and trying to stop myself from compulsively hitting “Play”.

    Ross, I’ll get you yet!!!

  4. Ross Rosenberg Says:

    Augh! My discarded balloon collection! You foul harpies, how could you do that? Do you have any idea how long it took me to collect all those discarded balloons? The hours of mending and cleaning. The horror of realizing some were actually discarded condoms….

    Happy Birthday Zo. I apologize for taking the aforementioned birthday monies but, you know, pterodactyl porn.

  5. Tanya Says:

    @Ross: So you’ve seen the video clip, then? (Of actual pterodactyl porn (not actual pterodactyls, though)) You poor thing.

  6. Infamous Amos Says:

    Happy Zo’s Birthday everybody!

    Greatest day of the year, if you ask me. Though I will admit, I get a lot of questions from my neighbours this time of year when I pull the nativity scene out to my front lawn.

    “Pretty sure babies arn’t born with blue hair, and why do all three wise men have pictures of Warren Ellis taped to their faces?”

  7. Jon Munger Says:

    There was a time, not so long ago, when I would have made a passingly amusing crack about the age of the lovely Zo being difficult to determine–the plastics were developed in Japan during the giant monster wave of the 70’s, the lithium-hydrogen batteries that powered her eyes were built during the Cold War by Russian idealists, and the high-density rare-earth magnets that act as gyroscopic stabilizers are technically the oldest minerals in the universe. But those days are past us, and as we move into a new age of serious faces and dire pronouncements of doom, I say only,

    Happy Birthday, Zo–
    And everyone else, beware. She’s a’coming.

  8. Zoetica Says:

    Infamous Amos, your nativity scene: you’ve just created an image that 1) will likely give most who read this nightmares 2) a photo-collage concept I hope to one day have time to execute and print. Oh dear.

    Jon Munger, if you continue to disclose classified information… You know what happens then. I hope you do.

    P.S. I’m 29. In human years.

  9. Infamous Amos Says:

    Nightmares build character, and while a collage would be wonderful, a real life scale 3D paper mache and elbow macaroni diorama would be ideal.

    Also, I am aware there is a “gold, frankincense, and Mer” joke hidden in this somewhere, but I can’t quite flesh it out.

  10. Tequila Says:

    Ah it’s that time of year again when bio-mechanical creatures rise from the depths to pay homage to their lady god Zo here. In their vast trek across the badlands using the shining red star as a guide they sing or play the following tunes in honor of our esteemed cosmonomad…

    “The Little Industrial Drummer Boy” as made famous by various Das Bunker DJ’s over the years.

    “Frosty The Clockwork Snowman Who Came One Silent Night to Deck the Halls with Heads & Holly” as made famous by The Royal Norwegian Black Metal Society

    “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like A Post-Apocalyptic Steam Powered, Ash Covered, Bloody Christ of a Mess” – as made famous by Professor Humblebottoms Steam N Gear Airship Orchestra

    The bio-mecahnical creature celebration for Zo also includes the following…

    “The Blue Beast Born” – A short story telling the birth, education, and rise of Zo as an intergalactic force more powerful than a black hole read by Warren Ellis with sound FX & music by Blixa Bargeld

    “Hair Die” an experimental visual kei influenced poem/song about Zo’s Hair sung or spoken by whatever Japanese band is prettiest at the time.

    and lastly…the entire soundtrack to The Hunt for Red October played by the inmate choir of an insane asylum with kazoos.

    Happy Birthday Lady Z!

  11. Natasha Says:

    Happy Birthday Zo!
    ..Very entertaining post, I laughed pretty hard!

  12. Ed Autumn Says:

    Happy Day of Birth Zo!! Hope you have a wonderful celebration, even if it includes watching that man sway his hips XD

  13. Hororo Says:

    Happy birthday Zo and congratulation to the whole Coilhouse crew to remember every meme and actually do something creative with them (yes, I’m talking about the pterodactyl porn, I’m sure humanity had something better to do this day but they did it anyway).

  14. Zoetica Says:

    I.. I seriously want to press “Play” again. I think there’s something wrong with me. Send help..

  15. R. Says:

    How did I miss Zo’s birthday?! Happy belated, Zoetica! I hope it was an amazing time. :D

  16. Larissa Says:

    This one is the gem:


    The jerky-jerk splitter-splat wacky-tacky? Wah?

  17. tDIYm Says:

    OMG I nearly died laughing!

  18. la mome neant Says:

    Oh no!! Tonetta777 Youtube account has been deleted!!