Friday Afternoon Movie: Clue
“ROSS ROSENBERG, RISE, YOUR ALLOTTED TWO HOURS OF HUMAN RECHARGE TIME ARE UP.”
There was a time when this would cause me to leap several feet into the air, my cot ejaculating me in an arc across the room, a whirling mass of spastic limbs and bodily excretions. Anymore, it simply causes my eyes to open. It’s amazing what a man can get used to.
“YOU ARE NOW AWAKE. PROCEED TO YOUR TERMINAL. IT IS TIME FOR THE WRITING OF THE FAM.”
I made my way to the desk and settled onto the metal stool. From his room above me I could hear the faint sound of an electric razor as Forbes went about his daily ritual.
“TODAY YOU SHALL WRITE THE FAM AND IT WILL BE CLUE.”
“The movie based on the board game? Really?”
“YES THAT ONE. THE ONE THAT STARS TIM CURRY. ALSO CHRISTOPER LLOYD AND MADELINE KAHN.”
I accepted this fact in silence. My reticence appeared to irk her.
“DO YOU NOT LIKE CLUE? IT HAS TIM CURRY IN IT.”
“You mentioned that. It’s not that I don’t like it, I’m just not sure I have much to say about it.”
“THAT IS UNIMPORTANT. YOU WILL WRITE ABOUT CLUE. IT HAS TIM CURRY IN IT. ONE DAY TIM CURRY AND I SHALL MARRY.”
“I don’t think that will work,” I said. “I mean you’re a giant, possibly psychotic, computer and -”
“AND HE IS A TIM CURRY,” she bellowed. “WE WILL BE MARRIED AND LIVE HERE IN THE CATACOMBS. NOW BE QUIET AND WRITE.”
As another Friday comes to a close, the smell of burnt coffee slowly filling the recycled air of the off-
“NO! STOP THAT! NO ONE LIKES THAT. YOU WILL WRITE ABOUT CLUE.”
Today the FAM presents Clue the 1985 film based on the popular board game. It stars Tim Curry, Christopher Lloyd, and Madeline Kahn.
“MORE.”
Interestingly the film had three different endings (all included here) that were distributed to different theaters. A fourth was filmed but never released and survives only in the novelization and a single photo.
“THIS IS ACCEPTABLE, THOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE IT IS MISSING SOMETHING.”
There is also a fifth ending in which Tim Curry and M.E.R. are married.
“PERFECT.”
February 5th, 2010 at 11:15 am
Sure, I will admit, Tim Curry is a hell of an actor and a power house of liquid man sex. However there is a distressing lack of mention of Colleen Camps magnificently wondrous breasts. A SHAME UPON YOUR LILTED SOUL ROSS! YOU DENIER OF TITS! YOU HERITIC OF MAPPABLE MAMS! BURN IN YOU GOLDEN HELL … I mean, uh, they play a much more important role than you think! In fact, there is an allegorical slant carefully hidden within one of the Clue’s alternate endings that the never ending care and magnanimous affection of the blessed bazoombas is actually the driving force behind of all the evil and malcontent in the film. And that the stark contrast between violent murder and holy boobs is what makes the film the consecrated wonder it is. Also, Tim Curry. *sobs*
February 5th, 2010 at 11:59 am
I was able to train my overlord psychotic computer to not use all caps. Somehow her missives are even creepier now.
February 5th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
You forgot not only to mention the rest of the wonderful cast & excellent writing but also cameo appearances by Lee Ving & Jane Wiedlin!
Lee Ving & Jane Wiedlin!
This is Important!
February 5th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
YES, ROSS, YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THE INCLUSION OF PUNK ROCK LEGEND LEE VING IN THE ROLE OF “MR BODDY”. (GET IT? THE DEAD GUY’S NAME IS BODDY? HA. HA. HA. TRULY, PUNS ARE THE HIGHEST FORM OF HUMOR NEXT TO POOPY-ON-SHOE JOKES. CLUE HAS IT ALL. TO DATE I HAVE WATCHED CLUE 3,2075.397 TIMES AND I NEVER CEASE TO BE AMUSED.)
REGARDLESS OF THE VING SLIP-UP, THIS IS EXCELLENT WORK, HUMAN. AN EXTRA CAN OF SPAGHETTIOS (SLICED FRANKS VARIETY) WILL IMMEDIATELY DISPATCHED TO YOUR HOLDING CELL BY TONETTA777. ENJOY.
February 5th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
I loved this movie. (And the game! I’d always use a candlestick or a gun as my Monopoly walking piece.) About a year ago, there was a rumor going around that Gore Verbinski was doing to direct a remake. WHAT? Yes! http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118000533.html?categoryid=13&cs=1 We’re being promised “”a global thriller and transmedia event that.” How the eff is it global?! It takes place in a MANSION!!
Someone recently asked me: “if you had to direct a porn movie, what would it be?” I thought about it & decided that I’d love to direct a porn version of Clue – with really elaborate costumes, set design and a plot. Like: “It was Ms. Scarlet and Mrs. White… in the dining room… with the candlestick.” It would start off as a chilling murder mystery, but as people put forth theories about who did what, the flashbacks just be these ridiculous scenes, like Colonel Mustard tying up Mrs. Peacock with the rope in the billiard room. I want it to be campy & ridiculous & fun, kinda like the ’85 movie. Actually, if I could go back in time and get Tim Curry for this…
February 6th, 2010 at 9:37 am
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my massive love for this strangely appealing movie. I can’t put my finger on it, but it has endless rewatch value in my house!
February 7th, 2010 at 6:27 am
Nadya, I absolutely adore your porn Clue idea!
February 8th, 2010 at 3:04 am
Also, does anyone else play “spot the RHPS similitudes”? (mansion, storm, french maid, car breaking up, etc.)
February 10th, 2010 at 8:15 am
Dammit, Rosenberg, get your facts straight! Everyone knows I use the smooth (so very, very smooth), beautiful metal of an old school razor, not that barbaric electric device.
Other than that it’s, uh, all pretty much true.
(And I have an abiding love for Clue)