Kane: Remaking A Masterpiece

Here on these internets doomsayer analysts and tech gurus have for years foreseen the death of the printed page, especially newspapers, those seemingly horrible vestiges of what many keep hoping is a bygone age. From a trance-like state they attempt to divine the future, devoting thousands of words to the subject, drunk on the smell of blood in their nostrils, slathering at the thought of a world devoid of ink. I suspect that I could hyperlink every other letter in this post without fear of running out of material.

The anti-hero of Mark Potts’ faux-trailer for faux-remake Kane understands this all too well. How precipitous the fall is of no consequence to him; what is assured is the fall itself and Kane will not be pushed aside without a fight. With that as its main thrust, Kane proceeds to exemplify everything one would expect from a modern remake of Orson Welles’s classic film. Kane poses a simple supposition: If Citizen Kane is the greatest film ever made, imagine an updated re-imagining with at least 100% more dick kicking.

What follows is funnier than it has any right to be. Welles’ Charles Foster Kane is replaced by a brooding, unshaven, gravelly-voiced vigilante, cutting a bloody swath on his way to destroying the internet; every fight occurring in a blurry series of flashy cuts, set to a selection from Nine Inch Nails’ The Fragile, giving way to The Pixies’s Where Is My Mind, to establish the proper pathos for a Fight Club generation. It covers nearly every cliche on the way to the finish line, even hitting us with an “In 3-D Fall” stinger. In all honesty it’s a bit disheartening when a scene like the one in which Kane, trembling with rage and bellowing in frustration, defecates on a Macbook seems like something that I can imagine being in a trailer for an actual film. Trust me, in a few years popular cinema may consist solely of angry men, shitting on things. You heard it here first, on the internet.

3 Responses to “Kane: Remaking A Masterpiece”

  1. Mer Says:

    This made me laugh and cry at the same time. I too fear that Neil LaBute and Frank Miller are the future of cinema.

  2. Tequila Says:

    After suffering through The Spirit the other night I would happily watch this. It could use some improvements though…

    1. It needs more slow motion. Actually 25% of the entire film should be in slow motion. Especially the defecating on the Macbook…actually it should be a Macbook Pro or an iPad.

    2. Too much daylight. It needs more deep shadows and film noir aesthetics only with bright neon colors to keep people awake between explosions.

    3. More explosions. 50% of the film should be stuff blowing up. Maybe a subplot of exploding newspapers or something.

    4.Robert Pattinson as Kane. This has to make money after all or what’s the point of making movies? Vampire Kane? Maybe we should save that for the sequel.


    5. A wise cracking side kick. I’m thinking one of those guys from SNL or maybe Dane Cook.

    Talk about Summer Blockbuster just waiting to happen!

  3. David Forbes Says:

    I completely lost it the moment Kane drew the cutlass. And again, even harder, at the AP Stylebook line. Perfect.