Guys, I’m gonna be real with you.

I may have just peed a little in my witchy-pooh panties.

And that’s all I have say about this:

The sprawling, quicksilver lyrics to this bilaterally symmetrical magnum LULZ opus have been posted below, because they’re… well, just read ’em. And weep bitter crimson diamonds. Ov Darqueness.

[via DJ Dead Billy / Dangerous Minds]

To Whom It May Concern:

It’s come to my attention
So-called “Pentagram Sam”

Just becuz you watch Buffy
And you bought a Chronicle Book about Aleister Crowley
Doesn’t mean you reside on the Darkside

mm-mmm

Pentagram Sam ain’t no Pentagram Smarty
I’m spilling all yr secrets like I’m Israel Regardie
You got yr cauldron at the Halloween Superstore
You in the basement with yr older sister’s Ouija board

I’m swaggin’ with the Abramelin
I got fiddy demonz, gonna do wut I tell ’em
I got six sigilz on my emerald ringz
How ’bout you? you got any of them things?

You think you got yr hex on
All you got are spex on
Harry Potter, Hot Topic
Wutchu bouncin’ checks on

I’m blingin’ in the Golden Dawn
I’m gonna *ting ting* and then you be gone

I’m givin’ crazy witch like Fairuza Balk
Scrapin’ pointy bootz be the way that I walk
I got crystal ballz and my magic is black
Pentagram Sam I got my wand in yr crack

I’m spinnin’ old school on my Rider decks
While you spent two ducats on those special effects
You be quakin’ in yr Docs
When you hear my malediction
You think you are a warlock
But it’s just a fiction
We be chillin’ with the Bornless One
Not you Sam, you be out on yr bunz
You ten kinda jealous when you hear wut I chant
Step aside poser, I’m the Hierophant

Four Barrel coffee and a maple bacon donut
Rollin’ fix-fix down Valencia
I own it
I’m Facebook friendz with Zeena LaVey
Pentagram Sam get outta the way

Pentagram Sam more like Pentagram Suzy
Yr Pentagram-mom’s be up in my jacuzzi
We live in San Francisco in the mystical fog
You feature Pendu Disco on yr Tumblr blog

I got Satan on speed-dial
Raisin’ dead freestyle
Super fancy necromancy
Do our bidding meanwhile

Makin’ evil shapes in non-Euclidean geometry
My coven built a creature
Then we sent it out to haunt you

You be ridin’ on that busted broom
While Mist-E breakin’ into every tomb

With the Old Ones
We stand tall
Your kindercoven’s
Gonna fall

Miskatonic U
Is my Alma Mater
My territory is terror
Yours is Norwich Terrier

You daydream in the Witch *what?*
I’ll see you in your nightmares but
I bring the Dunwich Horror,
Can’t be found in any bookstore

Cover you in gore or
phantasmatic color
My chronic is cthon…
icky ooze on your front door

To the club
Perform the right
Blackest night
No hope
Yog at the velvet ropes
I’m plus nine. You?
Nope.

Dr. Herbert West
Raised a posse for the party
Even Erich Zann
Brought his moded MonoPoly

Look at me and you’re petrified
See?
Even death will die.

I’m spittin’ on the Malleus Maleficarum daily-us
You only got the Cliff Notes, sacrificing plushie goats

Casting magic circles with a unicursal hexagram
Al-hazred called up Babylon, he’s sendin’ you a telegram

Giving you the boot like you was low-rent Shannon Doherty
The only magic potion that you drink comes in a for-ety
Yr blowing up the Myspace
Right next to yr butterface
Piper Paige Phoebe Prue
Charmed I’m sure
But now yr thru…

Posted by Meredith Yayanos on May 2nd, 2012
Filed under \m/