Nutella is Totally Alt*

By Mike Bates and Sean Dicken. (Via Gooby, thanks!)

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who have known the sweet, swooning rapture of a Nutella binge… and Skippy-on-Wonderbread eaters.

The former have created elaborate websites devoted to the spread, written effusive poetry, made Rihanna “Nutella-ella-ella” sendups and started Facebook groups declaring their love. The latter have a hollow, empty feeling inside that no amount of pasteurized peanut butter and spongey white bread can ever hope to fill.

Also see:

*This tenuously relevant post brought to you by a proofreading-induced brain embolism. (We’re in lockdown for print issue 04.)

19 Responses to “Nutella is Totally Alt*”

  1. Sterlingspider Says:

    What I don’t understand is the whole Nutella/Marmite argument, that’s like comparing the most delicious apples in the whole of the entire world to oranges… oranges which are wrapped in rotting fish, tied on with drain hair, at the bottom of a cesspool.

    Even accepting the dubious premise that Marmite and Vegemite are edible, how did sweet creamery Nutella get dragged into the whole argument?

  2. Steve C Says:

    While I do enjoy a fine Peanut Butter and Blackberry Preserves sammich (never on Wonder bread, of course), nothing in this world beats the sweet decadence of a Nutella binge. I’m not sure that I’ve ever had a jar of Nutella that had to be closed. It comes out, everyone involved (yes, sometimes only me) eats far more than is recommended, and the empty jar is dropped in the recycling.

    And I totally second the Marmite comments. How could the heavenly silk of Nutella ever be compared to…whatever is in Marmite?

  3. nick Says:

    i think you have your formers and latters confabulated but im still on board, love that shit. try it texas style, warm on a tortilla, makes me slap my mamma!

  4. Mer Says:

    (Oops, said former twice. Fixxored, thanks Nick!)


    “…it’s brown.”

  5. Nadya Says:

    I love how wonderfully weird the blog gets around crunch time on every issue. This one takes the cake, Mer!

  6. choklit Says:

    When I was a young ‘un and didn’t care how much sugar I snarfed in one sitting, I loved to get Banana-Nutella-Strawberry crepes in San Francisco coffeehouses with both ice cream AND whipped cream, especially when hung over.

    The glory days, sigh.

  7. Sara Rosso Says:

    You left out the fact we created a global holiday for it! :)

  8. Teri Says:

    Unfortunately my peanut and hazelnut allergies mean I can enjoy neither Nutella OR the inferior alternative of peanut butter.

    Does anyone know of something that comes close to approaching these wonders that can be enjoyed by a genetic deficient like me? (Well, enjoyed more than once, anyway.)

  9. Renata Nascimento Says:

    I have eaten peanutbutter in the US, and have to say is nothing compared to Nutella, but, if you ever get the opprotunity of eating peanutbutter made here in Brazil, I would have to say that Nutella would gain a fierce competitor

  10. Empress_Penguin Says:

    Pony up the cash for good peanut butter, and you will know bliss.

    Put that peanut butter on a Graham cracker with Nutella, and you will know ecstasy.

  11. Sterlingspider Says:

    I’m told Sunbutter is a nice peanut butter allergy friendly alternative.

    According to the allergic friend who recommends the above, American Nutella is made in facilities which also process peanuts but European Nutella is not.

    Not that it’ll help much if you also have a hazelnut problem, but it’s good to know in general.

  12. Natasha Says:

    What people won’t do to end up in a Coilhouse blog post, I swear!

  13. Mer Says:

    Heh. More like what I wont do to shoehorn completely random silliness into a Coilhouse blog post! Eet eez a gift and a curse.

  14. Dovryn Says:

    The Nutella internet craze has been goin on for many years now. Back in 05-06 the radiohead fans of myspace worshiped the goodness and spread it upon our chosen deity’s heads. I have access to many unique and powerful images of such worship. This just in…*drool*

  15. Ben Morris Says:

    Decadence confession: Several days ago I made a Nutella + Cashew Butter + Honey sandwich on a croissant. It was wonderful, I make no apologies.

  16. Dave L. Says:

    I remember when it was practically impossible to get Nutella in the States (or, at the very least, in California). Back then it was a rare gift, usually procured by family members who had been briefly overseas, and meeting people in school who had experienced it was an instant ‘we should be friends’ moment.

    Now it’s everywhere (they sponsored Kobe Bryant for a time, ferchrissakes), and it’s kind of lost it’s exotic allure. I still love it, but it doesn’t come with the ‘OOH! NUTELLA!’ internal exclamation that it used to.

    And rancid Nutella is the most horrible thing in the world. I realize that some sort of heresy has been committed by allowing a jar to sit around long enough to become rancid, but sometimes I find an old one with just enough left to scrape on to a piece of toast, only to discover it has transmuted into the devil’s own ass butter.

  17. Teri Says:

    @Sterlingspider: Thank you! I will certainly hae to track down some Sunbutter :)

  18. Mer Says:

    Mmmm. Ass butter. Ghhlaaghhlgghhkkghle.

  19. rickie Says:

    i’ve noticed that once my jar of nutella is empty, my stomach gets smaller. also, i drink less coffee… and am kind of mopey. hmm!