I’ve spent, I think I can say, an inordinate amount of time browsing through the fetishization of the most mundane activities in order to provide you, dear readers, with interesting material. Yes, it was for you that I watched dozens of Japanese YouTube clips of earwax removal, trapped in a horrific, personal grooming K-hole, desperately trying escape only to do so and realize that most, if not all of the people who would be interested in such a thing are already ensconced in a vast, virtual library of such material. Alas, such is the life of an internet spelunker.
We are not here to talk about earwax removal, however, (though, if you want to I have some videos to show you) no, we’re going to briefly discuss Konapun. Konapun is a Japanese cooking toy that allows the you to create realistic, miniature food with the use of chemicals. It’s like molecular gastronomy — a practice in which people who are bored by food and the idea of it as nourishment torture it into funny shapes and forms with needles and eyedroppers — but without the pretense of being edible.
Sometimes there is no good reason for doing something other than because one can. Also, prostate because it will produce some incredibly awesome results, as evidenced by the video above. Take a look at what happens when, at an archery range in Korea, someone decides to strap a rear-facing camera to an arrow and send it hurtling 145 meters down range.
This past week I have found myself embroiled in a losing battle with a nameless affliction affecting my corner of the northeast United States. Wracked by a hacking cough, nearly every orifice leaking fluid of various and sundry forms, my brain stewing in hot fetid juices I continue with my daily routine, a zombie with a cold.
As such my judgment, perhaps, should not be trusted. Of this I am well aware. I am also aware that those who would allow me access to their readers in such a state are also undeserving of trust, but that is a different matter entirely. No, I merely offer this as a preamble to the two videos presented here.
Both are no doubt better suited to M.E.R.’s ongoing Better Than Coffee series but, as a cold, unfeeling machine, I’m sure she won’t care though, no doubt, she’ll use it as an excuse to pump Justin Bieber through the speakers in my cell at eardrum-shattering levels. In my current state, however, it seems worth the temporary deafness. Above you will find a delightful video of a tiny penguin, frolicking with nary a care in the world and below you will find the significantly more amusing heavy metal remix in which a tiny penguin stalks his territory, filled with an unspeakable rage.
The management would like to apologize for the spotty nature of the Friday Afternoon Movie over the past few weeks. Rest assured that the worthless hack responsible for the content of this feature is currently being flogged with rabid badgers. The management would like to assure our readers that, should the aforementioned hack survive the aforementioned flogging, the FAM will return next week with actual content. In lieu of this week’s FAM, please accept this video of a parrot singing Drowning Pool’s “Bodies”. We thank you for your patience and hope you have a pleasant weekend.
Nathaniel Lindsay’s Ducked and Covered: A Survival Guide to the Post Apocalypse addresses an almost completely overlooked subject in the world of informational videos: how one should go about daily life in a world ravaged by a nuclear holocaust when the remaining population has been reduced to a shambling band of mutants and/or have all resorted to cannibalism. I will admit I was skeptical at first, after all this video hails from Australia, a land populated by the worst England had to offer making its citizens decidedly untrustworthy, not to mention that their theories of what the world will be like after a cataclysm having a strange preoccupation with vehicular combat (no doubt due to the fact that when England founded this prison continent they made it illegal for citizens to own cars. Fact. (Editor’s Note: That is not a fact. What is it with you and Australia?)) Any worries I may have had proved unjustified as Lindsay makes sure to point out the real threat of post-apocalyptic civilization: killer robots. Killer robots with lasers.
The new live-action Yogi Bear movie is a thing that exists, of that fact there is no doubt and, unfortunately, no escape. Were it to end in the manner depicted here by Edmunde Earl, as a darkly humorous ode to the penultimate scene from 2007’s under-appreciated The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, it might have at least some modicum of value. This is, of course, not the case and we are left with the reality that, as previous mentioned, there is a live-action Yogi Bear movie. Starring Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake.
From Italian Saturday evening television program Al Paradise circa 1984 comes Sara Carlson singing and dancing to “Fly To Paradise”, a choreography enthusiast’s wet dream. I cannot be entirely sure just what is going on with this leotard-clad nymph and her frolicking menagerie of break-dancing contortionists but nevertheless I am mesmerized by their sequined glory — a glory only outshone by Carlson’s fantastic chicken dance.
Coming from such an educationally backwards country I appreciate this brief history of the USSR told with the aide of LEGO mini-figs which explains that much of the Soviet Union’s establishment was the product of a strong desire for kisses. Likewise, “Everybody was afraid of him because of his moustaches that were tickling.” really helps put the brutal regime of Joseph Stalin into perspective.
It was many years ago when I first discovered the awesomeness that is Vagina Power, an Atlanta-based public access show hosted by the inimitable Alexyss K. Tylor and her often shocked and bewildered mother. Few have done more to empower women than Tylor, a woman whose unique voice shines through in the heated battle betwixt the genitals.
In this particular episode, she uses the holiday of Halloween to focus on a woman’s duty to police her vagina, a valiant call to arms, meant to tame the lawless land below the waists of the Second Sex. In doing so she also explores the wedding ring’s role in binding both the Penis and the Nuts. It is not quite as stupendous as when she explained that “dick’ll make you slap somebody”, but it is classic Alexyss K. Tylor nonetheless.
Many words have been devoted to the act of vengeance, the best methods of acquiring it, how best to deliver it, the various flavors of it; all these aspects have been explored in great detail over the course of mankind’s history. Little more shall be written here. Instead we shall present a singular act of very public vengeance.
It should come as no surprise that this particular scenario took place within the realm of politics, that unsavory business which plays host to liars, thieves, and whores and which has shown itself to be a particularly fertile breeding ground for vengeance. Specifically, we are focusing on an event that took place during a discussion of conservative author Jonah Goldberg’s new book Proud To Be Right which was broadcast on CSPAN2.
(Yes, there is more than one CSPAN. There are three in fact. I know this is hard to believe, but it’s true. I blame David Forbes. Moving on.)
The event in question (embedded above, the full video of which can be found here) is a rant by one Todd Seavey regarding fellow panelist and essay contributor Helen Rittelmeyer (who went to Yale, just in case you didn’t know). It turns out that the two dated for two years; a relationship that one could describe as contentious. Seavey’s monologue is a withering indictment of what can only be described as a twisted, right-wing succubus whose only pleasure in life is making those around her suffer. This is, again, according to Mr. Seavey who, in his 2007 screed “Ten Rules for Dating Todd” opens with a questionnaire for potential suitors to determine if they are “sane” having “encountered some ‘mentally special’ women over the years”, something he wishes to avoid in the future. This seems to not have saved him from Miss Rittelmeyer.
The Daily Caller (for whom Rittelmeyer worked for at one time) has further skulduggery, emails, and back-and-forth for those who are interested. For my part, I’m perfectly content with this examination of how Obamacare is destroying this country, as surely as Rittelmeyer destroyed Seavey with her infidelity.
Update: Additional thoughts from Seavey on the episode here.
