Many words have been devoted to the act of vengeance, the best methods of acquiring it, how best to deliver it, the various flavors of it; all these aspects have been explored in great detail over the course of mankind’s history. Little more shall be written here. Instead we shall present a singular act of very public vengeance.
It should come as no surprise that this particular scenario took place within the realm of politics, that unsavory business which plays host to liars, thieves, and whores and which has shown itself to be a particularly fertile breeding ground for vengeance. Specifically, we are focusing on an event that took place during a discussion of conservative author Jonah Goldberg’s new book Proud To Be Right which was broadcast on CSPAN2.
(Yes, there is more than one CSPAN. There are three in fact. I know this is hard to believe, but it’s true. I blame David Forbes. Moving on.)
The event in question (embedded above, the full video of which can be found here) is a rant by one Todd Seavey regarding fellow panelist and essay contributor Helen Rittelmeyer (who went to Yale, just in case you didn’t know). It turns out that the two dated for two years; a relationship that one could describe as contentious. Seavey’s monologue is a withering indictment of what can only be described as a twisted, right-wing succubus whose only pleasure in life is making those around her suffer. This is, again, according to Mr. Seavey who, in his 2007 screed “Ten Rules for Dating Todd” opens with a questionnaire for potential suitors to determine if they are “sane” having “encountered some ‘mentally special’ women over the years”, something he wishes to avoid in the future. This seems to not have saved him from Miss Rittelmeyer.
The Daily Caller (for whom Rittelmeyer worked for at one time) has further skulduggery, emails, and back-and-forth for those who are interested. For my part, I’m perfectly content with this examination of how Obamacare is destroying this country, as surely as Rittelmeyer destroyed Seavey with her infidelity.
Update: Additional thoughts from Seavey on the episode here.
Like you, stuff I await with bated breath the reveal of new Coilhouse themed accouterments, sickness even if I cannot purchase them. Here in my dank, subterranean cell in the festering heart of The Catacombs I can only imagine the enjoyment you horrible beautiful people feel, strolling freely under the warm gaze of the sun, breathing in fresh, un-recycled air. The thought of being able to wear clothes, real clothes not these ragged, school-boy uniforms I am made to wear (where do they get all these school-boy uniforms?) — it fills me with both great joy. Also, irrepressible rage. Mostly the joy though.
In order to soothe my restless and weary spirit and to tide you, our spoiledawfulputrescent wonderful audience over until then I thought we could watch this delightful mash-up of Staying Alive, by disco mavens The Bee Gees and Another Brick in the Wall Part II, by laser pioneers Pink Floyd, put together by Wax Audio. It also features the aforementioned schoolboy uniforms, only in a much more danceable way. I hope you all are eaten alive by honey badgers enjoy it.
Craig Welch’s short, animated, silent film from 1996 is the story of a strange, reclusive man obsessed with the mechanics of winged flight who one night receives a mysterious visitor in his dark and empty abode. Always in Welch’s animation benefits from a distinct, Edward Gorey inspired look which complements the strange and macabre subject matter quite well. Welch’s protagonist, as well as being enamored of wings, is also someone who has created around him a sphere of perfect and utter control. There is no aspect of his existence that has not been meticulously planned, going so far as to force this exacting mastery over other living creatures that make their way into his world. Whether or not his mysterious guest meant him any ill will is left unspoken but regardless she proves to be his undoing. Indeed it may be that she is more cipher than anything — a metaphor for that which he hopes to attain through all his miniature, bio-mechanical tinkering. However you interpret it, it remains a short journey well worth taking.
Gaze upon the glory of Krackoon a film about unchecked urban development and political corruption. It may also be about a bloodthirsty raccoon which happens to be addicted to crack cocaine. In fact, it is most definitely about a bloodthirsty raccoon addicted to crack cocaine; a plot perhaps unparalleled in its maniacal greatness. It is unfortunate then that this trailer features only the slightest glimpse of the ring-tailed drug fiend in the form of what appears to be a hand-puppet entangled in offal. Instead, we are treated to a number of gentlemen in varied locales addressing the camera. This strikes me as a grave misjudgment. I realize that a trailer should leave the audience wanting more and it would be a mistake (one filmmakers too often make) to include the best parts of your film only to have little left over for the feature; but for fuck’s sake, your film is about a raccoon that kills people and is addicted to crack. Certainly, it deserves more screen time than what we get here. Still, it’s enough to pique my curiosity in what Bronx Times columnist Fish Altieri has dubbed “[…] an instant cult classic”; a sentiment that I could not agree with more.
I have only a rudimentary grasp of the work of Benoît B. Mandelbrot. In fact, what I know is basically that through the use of complex mathematical formulas it is possible to create some kick-ass desktop wallpaper. This does, no doubt, a great injustice to the man’s work, but there it is. Krzysztof Marczak, obviously, understands the aforementioned mathematics better than me and has, with the help of a program called Mandelbulber, produced a hypnotic rendering of a flight through a fractal cube. It’s really great and you should go to the YouTube page to watch it in high def. I bet it would make a kick-ass screensaver.
I’m fascinated by conspiracy theories. The machinations within machinations, the way they simultaneously complicate simple matters and simplifying the most complex world events, they are a monument to human creativity and imagination. It should be no surprise then that conspiracy theories have come up multiple times on the FAM. Indeed, only last week, we examined some breathless speculation on the veracity of claims that man has ever set foot on the lunar surface.
That, however, is tame as far as conspiracies go. The real money is in world domination, in the people pulling the strings. The Freemasons, the Bilderberg Group, Bohemian Grove, Lizard Men — this is the nexus of lunatic postulation. Therefore, as a service to those in the audience who are, perhaps, not as well versed in the affairs of the tin-foil hat crowd the FAM presents the History Channel special Secret Societies which functions as a great introduction into the mad, mad world and which features FAM favorite David Icke, making his third Friday appearance. Should this pique your interests, feel free to check out Jon Ronson’s Secret Rulers of the World which delves much deeper into all this weird and wonderful nonsense.
It should be pointed out that this is, perhaps, not the best video to be watching first thing in the morning or, conversely, right before bed. The above is a clip from late 80s maudlin sitcom Full House, jumping off point for the careers of The Olsen Twins and the show partially responsible for convincing America that Bob Saget was not a perverted lunatic. Were that all it would not be here, of course (Zo’s obsession with the program and her unbridled lust for Dave Coulier notwithstanding).
What pushes this into true bizarro territory — and, hence, this post — is the fact that it has been slowed down by an unspecified number of degrees, an effect that one could be argued is overdone, but one that nevertheless is almost guaranteed to produce pure nightmare fuel. This point is made plain when the aforementioned clip turns to some of the program’s musical numbers at about 3:40, turning what appeared at first to be a bad acid trip into twisted, lecherous dreamscape. It’s really quite astonishing. And horrible. Mostly horrible.
Correction: It seems this clip is not from late 80s maudlin sitcom Full House and is, apparently, from some other, Olsen related venture. Apologies to Zo and all the other Full House aficionados amongst our readership.
Malcolm Sutherland’s strange sci-fi short Umbra: the tale of a space man who finds himself on a strange, yet seemingly familiar, planet. Sutherland uses his chosen medium to great effect, achieving a complex range of emotions using rather simplistic characters. Combined with a sparse, haunting soundtrack by Alison Melville and Ben Grossman, it makes for a great five minutes.
Welcome to a Russian Roulette episode of The Friday Afternoon Movie, brought to you by my lack of functioning brain cells and a YouTube search for “documentary”. Today we present the kind of programming many viewers of FOX TV might remember in and around the time of the X-Files. Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon? begs the titular question in the voice of an announcer for a monster truck rally with a smooth chaser of X-Files alum Mitch Pileggi to help lend an air of mystery and intrigue. This is all in the service of one of my favorite, inconsequential conspiracy theories — an elaborate hoax perpetrated by NASA in order to stick it to the Communists. Or not. I’ve never really been sure as to why NASA would go through such lengths to fake such an event; “Communists” is merely a solid go-to for any conspiracy taking place before the fall of the Soviet Union. Either way, it’s 40 minutes of “experts” with backyard bunkers explaining how the American flag could not flutter without an atmosphere and even hints at murder most foul. Enjoy.
