In case you weren’t sure if there was a contest for everything, Metropolis TV is here to assure you that yes, indeed there is. The above preview of their new season on masturbation spotlights Masanobu Sato who one both the 2008 and 2009 Masturbate-A-Thon, held by the Center for Sex & Culture in San Francisco. Both times he set a record, the current being 9 hours and 58 minutes, a time that sounds as impressive as it does painful.

In an especially surreal moment we get to watch Soto begin his day with a 2 hour “practice session”. There he sits, cross-legged on the floor, peacefully watching the news while his girlfriend sews, all the while casually working an artificial vagina over his turgid member. His girlfriend, for her part, sees this as a hobby, not unlike her sewing, She even helps him “train” by timing him, a decidedly different reaction than I would probably get from my girlfriend if I decided to jerk off on the couch in front of her every morning. There is also a harrowing moment in which their cat climbs on his leg to investigate, running the risk of being pulled into the thresher like vortex created by Sato’s inexorable pumping.

Things turn even weirder, though not unexpectedly, when we accompany Soto to his favorite adult video store. Here he explains his particular taste in pornography: specifically adult anime, explaining that a “real female” can be both smelly and/or dirty, whereas, conversely, the women in anime are nice and clean. Which is true, but really, it’s not something we should be saying out loud. Just let those dirty, stinky women live in ignorance. Better to suffer in silence like a gentleman than complain aloud like a man best known for stroking his dick for nearly 10 hours at a time.

Credit where credit is due, though. A lesser man than Soto would no doubt collapse around the one hour mark, exhausted, frustrated, and horribly, horribly chafed. There are worse things, I suppose, than being known as the world’s premiere practitioner of the autoerotic arts. Better to be recognized for a talent than have none at all.

Photo ganked from theocmd.

Nadya, you’re not reading this, are you?

DON’T LOOK. You go ‘way now.

DOOD SRSLY. AVERT THINE EYES.

Gawdangit, are you still reading this?

Ooo, look! An animated cat gif!

It’s a momentous week for Coilhouse Magazine and Blog. Please be sure to check in often, as we’ll be making a lot of important announcements over the next few days. The first of which iiiis…

THE NEW PRINT ISSUE. It’s so close. Eeeee! Better late than never, right? We couldn’t have pushed through and gotten it completed, paid for and printed without the tremendous support our readers, contributors and friends have given us. Once again, huge gratitude to every single person who has helped out.

Today, we want to extend a special thank you to two volunteer videographers who captured footage of our big fundraising birthday party in New York City last August: Keith Jenson and Abigail Amalton. Keith and Abi have shot and produced not one, but two gorgeous video mementos of the event. Here they are:

“On August 21, 2011 Coilhouse left the cozy comforts of their west coast catacombs to throw an epic fundraiser at the Red Lotus Room in Brooklyn, New York for the release of Issue 6 (of their oh-so-beautiful print magazine) and to celebrate their fourth birthday! Over 300 people turned up to the Gemini & Scorpio-presented event for a dancey, glittery, silk/fire/trapeze/music-infused evening full of wonder and awe and love.”

Keith and Abi are sweethearts with quite the squee-inducing origin story! At the Ball, they told Mer that Coilhouse actually played a substantial role in bringing them together; when they first met, Keith noticed some of Abi’s Coilhouse schwag, and they bonded over their mutual appreciation for the site and the mag. (SWOOOON.)

Thank you so much for coming out and documenting that wonderful night, you beauties.

Keith & Abi at the Ball. Photo by Steve Prue.

Also see:

• Steve Prue’s B & W & R Photo Booth Portraits
• Coilhouse can’t stop saying THANK YOU!

Click the image to visit Moe!’s Kickstarter.

Surplus 1980 – Relapse In Response by moestaiano1

Moe! Staiano has been briefly mentioned on da ‘Haus before (most memorably in this post celebrating Viggie and other EPIC DRUMMERS). My description:

“Dada Percussionist” Moe! Staiano is that proverbial storm-in-teacup; a spring-loaded, anarchic sprite whose wildly improvisational style summons the spirits of Einsturzende Neubauten and Raymond Scott in equal measure. Spontaneous, mischievous, and always in earnest, Moe! is one of the most delightful live performers around. You’re never quite sure what’s coming next, but you know it’s going to be FUN.

Considering who he is and what he’s trying to achieve artistically, Moe! has long deserved a more fully fledged writeup here. With mere days left on a wonderful Kickstarter project that hasn’t quite reached its funding goal, now’s the time.

The first blip of Moe! appeared on my radar around 2001: he was touring through NYC as a member Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, and his frenetic energy and feral performance instincts were a revelation to watch. Over the past decade, the Oakland-based experimental drummer, percussionist and composer has continued to enrapture audiences worldwide with his strange and beautiful approach to noisemaking.

As his Wiki states, Moe! works in a “variety of found sounds and prepared trap set as well as massive orchestra conductions of his own scored compositions.” Here’s some footage of one of his huge group pieces, “Death of a Piano”:

…SICK, right?

Over the past year, Moe! has been working feverishly on his Surplus 1980 recordings.

“[A project that] rose from the ashes of my old former band, Mute Socialite, which split up in 2009. It is a collection of songs that were former ideas that were meant to be used for Mute Socialite, but never really made it, as well as three cover songs.”

“Surplus 1980 is a post-punk band of a rotating line up of some fine musicians*, many extending from great bands to be heard on this project including members from the Ex, Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, and Faun Fables, among others, including Mute Socialite. The album in its entirety has been recorded by Dan Rathbun and is completed and ready to be pressed for a limited edition vinyl LP and CD run. The funds to complete the release are the only thing needed to get it done.”

Surplus 1980 – Excellent Girl (Bogshed cover) by moestaiano1

The funds raised for Surplus 1980 will be used to press the LP (a gorgeously designed limited run of 250 copies, with 100 on colored vinyl) and additionally be pressed on CD (“I still believe in CDs”, insists Moe) as well as a download coupon. All funds will go 100% into this pressing. Any additional funds raised will be used for studio time for recording the next album.

*Full disclosure: along with a gobsmackingly awesome roster of other musicians, I am featured on this record. It would really thrill me to see this unique, inspired material get the lavish DIY print run it so richly deserves. Please make with the Kickstarter clickies if you love frenzied, toe-tapping post-punk joyfulness as much as I do.

Thank you, all, for your feedback about our upcoming PDF Download Launch Sale. It was great to hear that there’s a lot of interest, and we look forward to sharing the back issues of Coilhouse with all of you. We’re putting the finishing touches on the download site and the PDFs, and we can’t wait to unveil the new shop this coming Monday. Get ready!

Meanwhile, we noticed that our mailing list was broken. Yikes. It has now been fixed. So please, join our mailing list. The main purpose of this list is to distribute REALLY HUGE NEWS – like this upcoming release of downloadable PDFs, new issues of Coilhouse coming out, crucial new developments, etc. Who knows – you might even get a sneak peek of some upcoming Coilhouse articles before they’re posted on the blog! We may very occasionally email you with other announcements, such as limited-edition new merch releases and Coilhouse events. But it’s not going to be annoying or spammy, we promise. It goes without saying that we will never share your email, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Join the mailing list! DO IT!

Coilhouse can be found in over 2,000 retail locations. For specific details of our distribution, click here. Photo by rickiep00h on Flickr.

Coilhouse Magazine Issue 06 is coming. It’s been coming for a long time, and that’s because we’ve challenged ourselves to put more care and effort into this issue than ever before. You won’t have to wait much longer: 06 will be out in early spring! For those of you interested in advertising in Coilhouse, now is the time to get in touch and reserve your spot. The deadline for reserving an ad in Issue 06 is February 1st.

Who’s advertising in Coilhouse?  Increasingly, it’s not just businesses – it’s also artists, writers, filmmakers, musicians, designers, art galleries and publications. Take a look at November’s “Support Our Advertisers” blog post, which outlines the 69 participants in Issue 05’s Small Business Advertising Program. It’s an inspiring, eclectic collection of products and people.

Magazines with production quality on par with Coilhouse are usually chock-full of corporate advertising, but we’ve made it part of our mission to prioritize our cherished community base, enabling less profit-driven entities to appear in our pages. Though we’ve raised all our full-page rates as of 2011, a beautifully-designed ad square in our Small Business Program still costs only $99-149.

Magazine reader response to the catalog style layout has been very positive. We hear a lot of people say that they spend as much time poring over the scrumptious small biz grid pages as they do over the articles themselves. You can see examples of what the ad grid layout looks like in the magazine here and here.

If you’re new to the advertising in Coilhouse, check our Advertising FAQ. For specifics about our distribution, circulation and pricing, check out our 2011 Media Kit. If you’ve made up your mind to take out an ad, all you need to do in order to get the ball rolling is email our wonderful Ad Manager, Samantha.

The Coilhouse venture remains, first and foremost, a labor of love… with lucre a very distant second. Rest assured that when beloved members of this community participate in our Small Business Ad Program, it’s a mutually beneficial partnership that keeps us all striving. (And hey – if you’re a small business, but you still want to take out a full page ad, come talk to us – we’ll be happy work something out.)

As always, thanks for reading. See you in Issue 06!

Just in time for Goth Christmas™, Zo has released two gorgeous prints, available over at her site, Biorequiem. Featured are the Snake Charmer illustration from Issue 04, as well as the ravishing Mommy-Four-Legs, originally created for Travis Louie’s group art show, titled “Monster?” The artworks are available for a limited time as  8.5 x 11 prints on velvet photo rag paper, and can be purchased separately or together for a special price. Details here.

Brace yourselves, for a new batch of Coilhouse merch is about to appear on the horizon. Tomorrow’s merch release will see the return of an old favorite – the super-comfy Inform/Inspire/Infect unisex hoodie (modeled here and here by two stylish customers), plus some brand new items. Buttons crafted by the one and only Snarky McFuckbuttons, a beautiful 18×24 four-color poster with new Coilhouse art by Zoetica screenprinted by Mama’s Sauce, a hefty Inform/Inspire/Infect mug, a scarf, and much more await you here tomorrow.

In addition, we’re selling the last 150 copies of Issue 05 – our remaining stash before our Boogie Edition joins Issue 01-04’s status of being Sold Out Forever. We weren’t sure how many we’d have left after mailing out all the freebies to advertisers and contributors. Now that all issues have been mailed, we’re selling the remaining quantity to make room for Issue 06.

Speaking of Issue 06, this round of merch is going to help fund Issue 06 printing. With its many frills – the holographic foil, the fold-out poster, the art postcards – our recently-produced Issue 05 cost an arm and a leg, eating away at some of our budget for printing Issue 06. With this merch, we hope to raise enough money to make Issue 06 just as grand.

This round of merch will be Pre-Order: meaning, you buy it, we get it manufactured, and you get your shipment about 3 weeks from now. Stay tuned for the reveal of the new items tomorrow – live, in Technicolor!

Today, Oakland-based electronic/world music trio Beats Antique released their third album, Blind Threshold. Zoe Jakes, David Satori and Sidecar Tommy are pushing into uncharted sonic territory once again. Their new record is rich with contributions from various performers, namely our very own Mer, whose violin and theremin work is present on several tracks, including “Vardo“, “Rising Tide“, “Grandstand” and “Miss Levine“. That last song is a haunting tribute to the band’s friend Breanna Levine; she unexpectedly passed away a few months ago.

The 14 tracks on the self-released album include, in the band’s words, “vaporous violins and Danny Elfman-esque dementia; glitchy, laser-guided harmonica provided by Blues Traveler frontman John Popper; and two very different vocal tracks that range between restless pop hooks provided by singer songwriter LYNX, to the vibrant Eastern European folk melodies of New York vocalist Eva Salina. All wrapped up into an intricate collection of orchestral textures, heavy beats and sub bass. The new album was mastered by the great producer TIPPER with art and design by Andrew Jones and photography by Sequoia Emmanuelle.”

Preview the entire album below, and download it here.

EDIT, JUNE 30th: Coilhouse #05 is on sale now!

Behold: the cover of Issue 05 is revealed. It’s been tough keeping this one under wraps, but you’ll still have to wait a couple more days to see what’s inside. For now, we’ll just say that the cover image embodies the international flavor of this issue: it features Kenyan model Ajuma Nasenyana, channeling Jamaican-American superwoman Grace Jones in a monumental image by Iranian-born, Paris-based photographer Ali Mahdavi. You can see a larger version of the cover here.

Reflecting the issue’s theme – which can be summed up by 05’s rallying spine line of “Let All the Children Boogie” – the cover features blingtastic, discodelic, holographic gold foil. But that’s not the only special print flourish employed in issue. In addition to the gold foil, Issue 05 also features a large, beautiful, double-sided poster with custom artwork created exclusively for Coilhouse by a distinguished artist. Which artist? You’ll have to wait ’til Wednesday to find out.

In just two days, the contents of this issue will be revealed. If you want to be notified the very minute that this issue goes on sale, join our Mailing List. Check back soon!