Many words have been devoted to the act of vengeance, the best methods of acquiring it, how best to deliver it, the various flavors of it; all these aspects have been explored in great detail over the course of mankind’s history. Little more shall be written here. Instead we shall present a singular act of very public vengeance.

It should come as no surprise that this particular scenario took place within the realm of politics, that unsavory business which plays host to liars, thieves, and whores and which has shown itself to be a particularly fertile breeding ground for vengeance. Specifically, we are focusing on an event that took place during a discussion of conservative author Jonah Goldberg’s new book Proud To Be Right which was broadcast on CSPAN2.

(Yes, there is more than one CSPAN. There are three in fact. I know this is hard to believe, but it’s true. I blame David Forbes. Moving on.)

The event in question (embedded above, the full video of which can be found here) is a rant by one Todd Seavey regarding fellow panelist and essay contributor Helen Rittelmeyer (who went to Yale, just in case you didn’t know). It turns out that the two dated for two years; a relationship that one could describe as contentious. Seavey’s monologue is a withering indictment of what can only be described as a twisted, right-wing succubus whose only pleasure in life is making those around her suffer. This is, again, according to Mr. Seavey who, in his 2007 screed “Ten Rules for Dating Todd” opens with a questionnaire for potential suitors to determine if they are “sane” having “encountered some ‘mentally special’ women over the years”, something he wishes to avoid in the future. This seems to not have saved him from Miss Rittelmeyer.

The Daily Caller (for whom Rittelmeyer worked for at one time) has further skulduggery, emails, and back-and-forth for those who are interested. For my part, I’m perfectly content with this examination of how Obamacare is destroying this country, as surely as Rittelmeyer destroyed Seavey with her infidelity.

Update: Additional thoughts from Seavey on the episode here.

Comrades! I am shocked, I say. Shocked. To the very marrow of my bones. Not since that degenerate extra of indeterminate sex indulged an urge to oxygenate their crotch fruit on the bleachers during the triumphant final scene of Teen Wolf have I been so taken aback! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?! THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

It should be pointed out that this is, perhaps, not the best video to be watching first thing in the morning or, conversely, right before bed. The above is a clip from late 80s maudlin sitcom Full House, jumping off point for the careers of The Olsen Twins and the show partially responsible for convincing America that Bob Saget was not a perverted lunatic. Were that all it would not be here, of course (Zo’s obsession with the program and her unbridled lust for Dave Coulier notwithstanding).

What pushes this into true bizarro territory — and, hence, this post — is the fact that it has been slowed down by an unspecified number of degrees, an effect that one could be argued is overdone, but one that nevertheless is almost guaranteed to produce pure nightmare fuel. This point is made plain when the aforementioned clip turns to some of the program’s musical numbers at about 3:40, turning what appeared at first to be a bad acid trip into twisted, lecherous dreamscape. It’s really quite astonishing. And horrible. Mostly horrible.

Correction: It seems this clip is not from late 80s maudlin sitcom Full House and is, apparently, from some other, Olsen related venture. Apologies to Zo and all the other Full House aficionados amongst our readership.

Every once in a while this happens: I find something hilarious, get excited to post it here, and then realize that it’s only funny to Russian-speakers. However, in the case of this touching love ballad, poignantly titled “My Pepper Misses Paris Hilton”, I’m compelled to share anyway. Even took the time to translate the lyrics, which you’ll find after the video.

It should be noted that “pepper” in Russian is pronounced “peh-rehtz” – not unlike “Paris”. Yes, with that in mind I believe everyone will be able to appreciate the elevated subtleties of Russian humor presented herein.

Pardon the blackface.

[via Eugene Rabkin and Style Zeitgeist]

LYRICS

She’s not idiot, far from it. She’s not the queen of glamour for nothing!
She’s a personalty, a socialite lioness.

Oh, mommy, how I suffer. I don’t know what to do with this pain.
I suffer so, I languish.
I’m in love.
My pepper misses Paris Hilton.
My pepper misses Paris Hilton.

Bottle of whiskey and I have become too close.
I can’t speak English.
A Limp Bizkit CD, two caramels in my pocket – this is all I have to my name.

Oh, mommy, how I suffer. I don’t know what to do with this pain.
I suffer so, I languish.
I’m in love.
My pepper misses Paris Hilton.
My pepper misses Paris Hilton.

RAP BREAKDOWN

Paris, you know full well
I’m out of my mind from you
When you’re not near winter is in my heart
You’re a dream, a beauty, you’re my baby
O, Paris, you’re my beloved,
I suffer so, I languish, I can’t stand it.
What am I to do? I don’t know.
All that’s left is to sing.
I’m tired of drinking alone,
My spleen is killing me.
Baby, call me, we need to talk.

My pepper misses Paris Hilton.
My pepper misses Paris Hilton.

Holy balls, kids. HOLY. BALLS.

These are stills from a clip of one seriously wackypants “Japanese punk rock Exorcist homage” called (appropriately enough) The Exorsister. It comes to us courtesy of the ever-terrifying and wondrous Weird Shit Magnet that is Dogmeat, who says “I’m laughing, because this is one clip where even I ask myself ‘Where do you get these?’ Stick around for the octopus attack… as if you would turn this off!”

Definitely not safe for work. Click the collection of stills above… IF YOUR DARE.

Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Born on this baleful day back in 1890. Portrait by Bruce Timm

“There are not many persons who know what wonders are opened to them in the stories and visions of their youth; for when as children we listen and dream, we think but half-formed thoughts, and when as men we try to remember, we are dulled and prosaic with the poison of life. But some of us awake in the night with strange phantasms of enchanted hills and gardens, of fountains that sing in the sun, of golden cliffs overhanging murmuring seas, of plains that stretch down to sleeping cities of bronze and stone, and of shadowy companies of heroes that ride caparisoned white horses along the edges of thick forests; and then we know that we have looked back through the ivory gates into that world of wonder which was ours before we were wise and unhappy.”

–from H.P. Lovecraft’s “Celephais”

Previously on Coilhouse:

• Read Any Good Books Lately?
• Cthulhu Meditation: Listen on Dry Land
• What Made Coilhouse Readers Weird
• Cthulhu: The Movie
• The Dunwich Horror: Sweet…. Horrendipity?
• Tentacle Love. Why?
• Jell-O Salad is Actually a Shoggoth
• Isabelle Adjani’s Got That Not So Fresh Feeling™

Here’s another Cronenbergian nightmare for you! Been meaning to roll this one out for a while now, but Ross’ Yeasayer post and last week’s focus group scene on Mad Men reminded me to finally get on it.

This Nokia N900 commercial came out late last year, and leaves me a little puzzled even after third and fourth and fifth viewing. The scene opens with a view of a focus group, as seen through glass by the observing parties. A few guys brainstorm desirable phone features, while one – a black-clad, scruffy type – doesn’t seem to be interested in participating. When asked to speak up, he begins to twitching and screaming at his collaborators. Panic ensues. Then, after a series of incredibly cool-looking and terrifying man-becomes-machine contortions, he transforms into a phone. Yep. It’s an insane, abusive man-phone. Enjoy!

(Via Engadget)

Who knew that, deep within Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights, an epic power metal ballad was waiting to be unleashed? Brazilian metal band Angra discovered this great truth in 1993, releasing the utterly deadpan cover above. There’s no music video to accompany the song, but I suggest syncing it up with Kate’s “white dress” version, below (as opposed to the “red dress” version for the American release – while also stunning, the facial expressions in it are more sane in a way that makes it pale in comparison). Kate Bush was 18 when she wrote the song, and had never read the book. She later read it, and discovered that she shares a birthday with Emily Brontë.

Previously in Amazing Music from Brazil: Secos e Molhados/Ney Matogrosso

Previously in Metuuuuuuul: \m/ Slayer Grandma \m/

[via Mildred Von]

French sculptor and Coilhouse Issue 02 featured artist Stéphane Halleux is trying his hand at a new medium – animation. In response to countless questions, pleas, and threats he’s created a digital character after one of his leather and scrap metal sculptures, Monsieur Hublot. There is no word yet on the release date of the eponymous, seven-minute short, but we do know that Mr. Hublot [named thusly as a nod to Jacques Tati’s tragically inept Monsieur Hulot] is a bachelor accountant suffering from a host of obsessive-compulsive ailments. He lives in a small, gadget-packed  apartment with his robotic dog, loves his leather trench coat  and despises noise.

Together with Zelit Productions, Stéphane hopes to eventually develop the project into a feature-length film. Meanwhile, a frame-sponsoring system is in place, allowing interested fans to take part in the short’s development at up to 9EU per frame. From the Monsieur Hublot website:

In exchange, among other things and depending on the amount of images sponsored, they will get updates on the film’s production, a print of one of their sponsored images signed by Stéphane Halleux, the opportunity to appear in the the credits, etc. As for ourselves, this quid pro quo will enable us to complete the financing of the short film and to prepare the release of the feature film.

I love this idea!

Two charming animation tests from Monsieur Hublot have been released into the wild, so far. Watch below as the character gets his bearings and faces off with a light switch, then check out his outfit in more detail.

EDIT, JUNE 30th: Coilhouse #05 is on sale now!

Behold: the cover of Issue 05 is revealed. It’s been tough keeping this one under wraps, but you’ll still have to wait a couple more days to see what’s inside. For now, we’ll just say that the cover image embodies the international flavor of this issue: it features Kenyan model Ajuma Nasenyana, channeling Jamaican-American superwoman Grace Jones in a monumental image by Iranian-born, Paris-based photographer Ali Mahdavi. You can see a larger version of the cover here.

Reflecting the issue’s theme – which can be summed up by 05’s rallying spine line of “Let All the Children Boogie” – the cover features blingtastic, discodelic, holographic gold foil. But that’s not the only special print flourish employed in issue. In addition to the gold foil, Issue 05 also features a large, beautiful, double-sided poster with custom artwork created exclusively for Coilhouse by a distinguished artist. Which artist? You’ll have to wait ’til Wednesday to find out.

In just two days, the contents of this issue will be revealed. If you want to be notified the very minute that this issue goes on sale, join our Mailing List. Check back soon!